Aidan asks ‘Why is it so hard for survivors to receive the support they need?’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Aidan was sexually abused by his primary school teacher, who also groomed Aidan’s mother.
Fifty years on, he is shocked by the extent of the impact of the abuse on him.
Aidan has many good things to say about both his parents, who he says were highly intelligent. However, his father was an alcoholic and his mother suffered from anxiety. ‘She was a rock to me, but a wobbly one’ he says.
He remembers hearing terrible rows between them about his father’s drinking. Sometimes Aidan would try to help by pouring away some of the alcohol in the house.
Aidan remarks ‘I felt like an old man trying to solve the problems of the world’.
He also remembers having a clear sense when he was growing up that ‘sex was dirty’, that men were bad for having sexual feelings and women should not have any such feelings.
Aidan thinks he was naturally a sensitive person and his family circumstances added to his vulnerability, which the man who abused him probably sensed.
When Aidan was primary school age, he began attending a new school. He has a clear recollection of his teacher, Mr Taylor – what he looked like and what he wore.
Soon after Aidan started at the school, Mr Taylor asked him to stand behind his desk and read to the class. Hidden by the desk, Mr Taylor then pushed his hand up Aidan’s shorts to masturbate him. Aidan remembers having a strong sense that he must not stop reading however much the teacher was hurting him.
Mr Taylor regularly sexually abused Aidan in this way. Afterwards he would say how well Aidan had read.
At playtime, Mr Taylor often made Aidan stay behind on the pretext of tidying the classroom, and he would use this as another opportunity to sexually abuse Aidan. Aidan was in a constant state of anxiety about when the abuse was going to happen.
On one of these occasions another teacher walked in. Aidan recalls how this teacher looked when he saw what was going on – his face went white. Mr Taylor said he had been tickling Aidan. The other teacher did not comment. The abuse stopped for a short time then resumed again.
Aidan didn’t dare tell anyone what was happening – he had been taught that the teacher was always right.
Aidan thinks the sexual abuse went on for two terms. During this time, he says that Mr Taylor groomed his mother. He would flatter her at the school gates and tell her how clever Aidan was. One day Mr Taylor came round to Aidan’s house and Aidan says that he ‘flirted’ with his mother. Aidan remembers feeling that Mr Taylor had ‘invaded’ his house.
Mr Taylor created a climate of fear. Every day, Aidan would be terrified about having to go up and read to the class or stay behind after class. He says that this terror was as damaging as the abuse itself.
The abuse ended after Mr Taylor asked Aidan over to his flat. Aidan says he was terrified but felt compelled to go to please the teacher. After Aidan arrived, Mr Taylor told him to leave and said ‘goodbye’. Aidan says that at the time he did not recognise how he was feeling, but he now understands that he felt ‘catastrophically rejected’.
As an adult, Aidan has been raped and he adds that he has also been violently attacked due to his sexuality.
Decades on, he still grapples with the impact of the abuse. He describes struggling to accept growing into an adult, and being full of self-loathing.
Mr Taylor often placed Aidan high up in the class, but Aidan wonders if this was simply a way of ‘keeping me quiet’. As a result, he has no confidence in his academic and career achievements, even though they are highly notable.
He developed body dysmorphia, feels that he is ugly and hates to have any attention focused on him. He feels shame about the abuse and about his sexuality, and he struggles to form lasting relationships.
Aidan is frightened of men and feels anxious and hypervigilant. He adds that his emotions are volatile and he often feels anger and grief ‘for what might have been’.
When Aidan was in his 40s, he reported the sexual abuse by Mr Taylor to the police. He says that he was questioned with sensitivity by a detective who seemed to believe him.
Since then, Aidan has tried many times to obtain information from the local authority and the school about the abuse. He considers that both these institutions have been obstructive and untruthful, and that their response is a continuation of the abuse.
He has received a partial apology from the local authority but he is still very unsatisfied with their response. He says their tactic is to ‘pretend to respond’ but in reality they do as little as possible.
Aidan would like to see more anti-abuse campaigns and real support for victims and survivors.
He has had 20 years of counselling and considers himself very lucky to be able to fund this. He feels terribly for those who cannot afford to do the same.
Aidan has had a very positive experience of group work with other male survivors. He believes survivors can heal each other and would like there to be more of this therapy available.
He says ‘We have failed so badly to support victims – it’s as if once they are abused they are part of the problem’.