Alexandra was sexually abused by two of her parents’ colleagues in the church
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Alexandra spent more time with adults than children because of her parents’ work in the church.
She was sexually abused by two of their co-workers and now works to increase awareness of abuse in the church.
Alexandra was under five years old when she was first sexually abused. She now knows from her social services records that the day it happened her parents were hosting a church meeting in their home. One of their co-workers, Stuart, said he needed to use the toilet. He went upstairs and came into Alexandra’s bedroom.
She woke up to find him touching her, and she clearly remembers him unzipping his trousers to show her his penis. ‘I then get two different accounts of what happened’ she says. ‘The report [by social services] says I went downstairs later and told my parents and they confronted him and he ran off. The other account says someone realised he had been gone some time, came upstairs and saw what was happening.’
Alexandra doesn’t know which is the right version, but says that there were several people in the house. She says ‘What goes through my mind is … how on earth did this man manage to get away? Why wasn’t anything done? But it’s too late now’.
She continues ‘I clearly remember being made to say what had happened to me, and made to feel so ashamed, like it was my fault’. She thinks her parents didn’t really blame her, but all the tensions they felt about the incident seemed to be directed at her.
When Alexandra was a little older, her parents were posted to work in a different city for the church. She remembers that they were always busy and she didn’t see much of them.
Alexandra sometimes accompanied her parents to work. She had very little contact with other children, and would often play games with men with whom her parents worked. ‘From what I can remember, that was seen to be ok’ she says.
A man who worked with her parents, Ron, became friendly with Alexandra’s family and would sometimes look after Alexandra when her parents were working.
Ron started to sexually abuse Alexandra during this time. He would touch her while she was sitting on his knee, in bed or in the bath. He played ‘games’ that involved him touching her and kissing her on the lips.
Alexandra did not tell her parents about the abuse because she remembered their previous reaction to the abuse by Stuart and she thought she would be blamed.
The abuse by Ron escalated as Alexandra got older. He made her look at pornographic images and began giving her small amounts of money. He touched her breasts, masturbated her and attempted to rape her when she was 11. He forced her to give him oral sex. ‘He did other things to me that I find hard to say’ she adds.
Troubled by the abuse, Alexandra started distancing herself from her father. Her mother noticed this and asked her why. After some persuasion, Alexandra told her mother she was being abused, but gave no details.
Her mum reported the abuse to social services and Alexandra was video interviewed by the police. She says ‘I clearly remember what it was like; everything was so clinical … I remember feeling really scared and couldn’t verbalise what was done to me’.
She was given a medical examination but was not warned this was going to happen or why. It was later confirmed in a report that she had been sexually abused.
Ron admitted some of the sexual abuse that Alexandra had described and was convicted.
Alexandra has attended counselling but still struggles to come to terms with the abuse, and the physical and psychological effects it has had on her. She has self-harmed, and some events and situations trigger traumatic memories for her.
She has had very difficult experiences with invasive clinical procedures and she would like to see more training for NHS staff on the possible impact of these types of procedures on victims and survivors of child sexual abuse.
After a doctor recorded that Alexandra was depressed after she gave birth, she told a social worker she had been sexually abused as a child, but says ‘he completely blanked it’.
Alexandra feels strongly that police interviews should be as child-friendly as possible. She adds that parents should talk to children openly about their bodies, and use proper names for body parts. She says ‘Schools can also play a big part. I think times have changed, but back then no one would say these words’.
Alexandra still has strong religious faith and she has tried to increase awareness of sexual abuse in the church. She attended a group where she met other victims and survivors, and she finds writing helpful.