Antonia says ‘As a child in the care system, you don’t speak out, you keep your mouth shut’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Antonia endured years of sadistic treatment and abuse in the care system.
Her mental and physical health are still seriously affected by vivid memories of her terrible experiences.
Antonia is not sure how old she was when she and her brothers were taken into care or what the circumstances were. She has since seen her social services notes, which refer to abuse by her father.
She remembers being terrified as they were taken to a building that turned out to be a children’s home. They were met by a member of staff saying ‘Now you are here, you abide by our rules’.
On her second night, the man who ran the home came into the room where she was sleeping and made her stand on her head with her feet against the wall. He then put a blanket over her head, and said ‘Any kind of bad behaviour … this is what I will do to you’.
He made these visits to her regularly at night, hitting her, and then sexually abusing her. She says it was not rape, but touching. He told her no one would ever believe if she told, because she was a child in care.
The other staff at the home subjected the children to severe physical and emotional abuse. They beat the children, banged their heads against the wall and forced them into freezing cold baths.
She did try and tell someone about the abuse in the home, but she was told she was lying.
When Antonia was in her early teens, she was very happy to be told she would be leaving the home and placed with foster carers. However, she says, she went ‘from one hell, straight into another hell’.
Soon after she arrived, the male foster carer started coming into her room and kissing and touching her. When she told him to stop, he said he could do whatever he wanted to her, as she was in his home. He began raping her – this happened every week.
When Antonia was in her mid teens she ran away. She met a man who offered her a place to stay, but he sexually abused her. The next day she was picked up by the police, who labelled her a ‘problem child’.
After this, Antonia started drinking heavily, and getting into fights. She was ‘shunted from one foster placement to another’. She had sex with men for money, was raped and became pregnant.
Antonia lives with many long-term effects of her painful experiences. She says being abused ‘destroyed me as a person’. She has PTSD and complex mental health issues. She has had an eating disorder and abused alcohol. She finds sex and intimacy difficult and has some physical conditions that are related to stress. She has had suicidal thoughts.
She did make a report to the police about the abuse she experienced in the children’s home. She was very upset to be told they were not taking the case any further. She has sued the local authority for failing to keep her safe as a child. She did receive some compensation but says that she wants an apology more.
Antonia would like there to be more resources for therapy and support for victims and survivors. She thinks that stricter ‘vetting’ of foster carers should be carried out, and that children’s homes should not exist, because they are ‘breeding grounds’ for abusers.
She has grandchildren and says that when she feels low, she thinks about how important it is to be there for them.