Arabelle says there should be honest conversations about how sexual abuse can affect children
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
When Arabelle was sexually abused as a small child, medical staff advised her parents not to talk about it because she would not remember it.
She feels that this lack of openness added to her feelings of confusion and shame.
Arabelle grew up in a close-knit extended family of Caribbean heritage. The relatives would often have get-togethers and she was particularly fond of her cousin Ethan. She says ‘He was handsome, he was charming, he was charismatic and I absolutely adored him’.
Ethan paid her special attention, playing with her and tickling her. She says she now understands that he was grooming her.
She thinks she was about four years old when Ethan began sexually abusing her. He touched her and kissed her, and this escalated to him performing oral sex on her and masturbating.
Arabelle says she never felt that what Ethan was doing was wrong – as he always seemed ‘kind, playful and nice’, not threatening in any way. She knows that she experienced sexual feelings when he was abusing her, but at the time she thought this was normal behaviour and felt no shame.
When she was seven, Arabelle’s father walked into her bedroom and saw Ethan abusing her. Arabelle’s father gently questioned her about what Ethan was doing to her and she told him everything.
Arabelle never saw Ethan again after that. For a long time she did not understand why, and she was bereft at not seeing her favourite cousin any more.
A few days later, she remembers being taken to the hospital for an examination. She later found out that this was to see whether she had been raped. It turned out not to be the case.
These events happened several decades ago, and Arabelle also now knows that staff at the hospital advised her parents not to talk about the abuse to Arabelle. The reason given for this was ‘that she was not penetrated … she’ll forget about it … she’ll forget about it’.
She did not receive any counselling and she remembers feeling confused for a long time about why Ethan had suddenly left. She loved him and says that not seeing him ‘was weird, I missed him’. She also felt ashamed at sexual feelings and thoughts that she had.
When she was a teenager, Arabelle realised through sex education and talking with peers that what Ethan had done to her was not appropriate or normal. This led to her feeling very ashamed of herself, and the sexual and emotional thoughts and feelings she had.
Arabelle understands that her father was trying to protect her from feeling shame about the abuse and she appreciates that he reacted the way he did when he discovered Ethan abusing her.
However, she feels that her mother was hard on her. When Arabelle tried to talk to her about the abuse as a teenager, her mother refused to engage with her.
Some years later, Arabelle realised the subject had been discussed in the family. This made her very upset and she decided to report Ethan to the police. There was an investigation, a court case and Ethan was convicted of child sexual abuse.
Arabelle felt that she did receive justice. She realised later that she needed counselling to help her deal with the shame and sexual confusion that had troubled her most of her life. She struggled to pay for therapy. She was told she was not eligible for compensation and says that if she had received some it would have helped greatly.
She is very passionate about raising awareness of child sexual abuse and its effects on children and adults. She emphasises that she does not want to perpetuate the myth that if you have been abused you go on to abuse others.
Arabelle would like to see more open and factual discussion about sexual feelings that can arise from abuse, so that children are not left feeling ashamed, and their future, appropriate adult relationships are not damaged.