Ashley says ‘If I was asked, I would have said, and it would have stopped’ – but nobody bothered to ask
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Ashley was a young teenager when he began to knock on neighbours’ doors seeking to earn money by doing odd jobs. One neighbour, Malcolm, paid him well for some gardening and asked him to come back. When Ashley returned, Malcolm took him inside the house and sexually abused him.
The abuse has had far-reaching effects on his life, including the breakdown of his relationships with his children, which he deeply regrets.
Malcolm was involved with a football club and Ashley started going there every weekend. He went on a holiday with the club and it was on one of these occasions that he was raped for the first time.
Within weeks of meeting Malcolm, Ashley says he began staying overnight at his house. His brother, sisters and mum found out and called him names like ‘queer boy’ and ‘gay boy’, so he stopped speaking to them. He feels his family pushed him closer to Malcolm by saying these things.
Soon after this, Ashley was placed into care by his mother and went to live in a children’s home. He ran away frequently from there, and would call Malcolm, who would pick him up, abuse him and return him to the home. Ashley recalls that Malcolm realised if he called the home after 9pm, the staff would tell him to drop Ashley back in the morning.
After a while, Malcolm fostered Ashley. This plan was suggested by his care worker and agreed by the fostering panel, despite the fact that Malcolm lived in a one-bedroom flat.
Ashley says that members of his family made allegations to the police and social services. But when the police visited the flat, Malcolm ‘butted in’, saying ‘Ashley’s got nothing to say.’ Malcolm continued to sexually abuse Ashley every day for three years.
Following a short period in a secure unit for ‘bad behaviour’, Ashley was returned to his mother’s care. But Malcolm came to the house every day and the abuse continued. On one occasion Ashley grabbed Malcolm’s wallet and ran. With nowhere to go, he lived on the street for a time and says he survived through crime.
At a later stage in his life, Ashley was in a stable relationship and about to get married. But he felt that he was ‘lying’ to his partner as he had never told her about his abuse. He didn’t want her or their children to know about the abuse and he says this led him to look for reasons to break up with her.
When he ended the relationship, to Ashley’s surprise, his partner wanted him to have care of their children. He made the decision to report the abuse to the police, ended his criminal behaviour and, with some difficulty, found employment. He worked consistently for many years and was settled caring for his children.
A setback occurred for him when his claim for criminal injuries was rejected because he had a criminal record, and he asked the children’s mother to take them back. He says this is something he will regret for the rest of his life: ‘It was a stupid, harsh, spur-of-the-moment decision. I spend my life making decisions a normal person wouldn’t make. I am slowly destroying myself.’ He adds that he feels Malcolm has messed up his life. When reflecting on his claim for compensation, Ashley believes that the abuse caused the criminal activity.
However, Ashley continued to be a daily part of his children’s lives, but an attempt to rebuild his relationship with his partner ended badly. He describes how one day he woke up shaking, having wet the bed, and shouted at his family that he did not want them in his life.
Ashley says how much he loves his children and regrets pushing them away, but that ‘It finally caught up with me … I stepped away and I haven’t been able to step back towards them … I don’t know how to take those steps.’ He has not been able to work since this time.
After news stories about abuse in football clubs, Ashley tried to report the abuse again, but he hung up on the police when he was asked if there were any witnesses or any evidence. He has since called the NSPCC and his case has been referred to the police.
Ashley is clear that people must have known about the abuse and is sure that if he had been asked ‘are you being abused?’ he would have spoken up. He questions why Malcolm was allowed to be present when the police visited the flat. He says: ’I was top of the class for everything and then I started running away and no one asked why. If I was asked, I would have said, and it would have stopped ... I hated it … I hated it. I didn’t want it to happen.’