Belinda didn’t realise her abuser’s behaviour was wrong at the time; she still blames herself
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Belinda was in her early teens when she met Chris, who was in his 20s. He would hang around on the route she walked each day and chat with her.
What seemed to her at first to be welcome attention was in fact grooming for sexual abuse and exploitation.
Belinda says she had an unhappy life, and she enjoyed the attention from Chris and was flattered by it. He started visiting her at houses where she babysat, and when he began sexually abusing her, she believed that he wanted a relationship with her.
Although at the time she did not realise his behaviour was wrong, she blames herself for going along with it. However, she does understand that she was vulnerable to his manipulation. She says ‘I must have been put under his spell, I just did what he wanted me to do’.
It was not long before the abuser’s attitude changed and he began using threats and intimidation to control Belinda. When her parents found her diary, they realised she was being abused. Although the police were called, she did not receive any support from her family. She says ‘My mum was not very nice to me’.
In her mid teens, Belinda left home and went to live with an older friend. She describes how frightened and distressed she felt. Easily upset and unable to control her feelings, she lashed out at another pupil in school.
Belinda says none of the school staff made any attempt to find out what was wrong, nor did the police who were called to the incident. She comments ‘They just judge you on what they see, they don’t want to look beyond’. She received a police caution.
The discovery of Belinda’s diary led to a court case. Associates of the perpetrator intimidated her into withdrawing her statement and Chris only received a suspended sentence. He continued to abuse her and by this time was forcing her to work as a prostitute.
Having left school, and with no family support, Belinda was left completely vulnerable to being threatened and exploited by Chris for another four years. She is not certain why the abuse ended, but thinks it may have been because he moved on to another girl.
The traumatic experiences of her teenage years continue to affect her. She has PTSD and depression, which have become worse as she finds it increasingly hard to block out memories of the past. She finds it difficult to trust people and have close relationships, and she says she can be triggered to react angrily to minor events.
Belinda made enquiries about receiving criminal compensation for the abuse she suffered, but found her eligibility could be affected because she has a criminal record. She feels this is very unjust and says ‘Just because I have a criminal record, doesn’t mean I wasn’t a victim’.
Belinda is having counselling, but still struggles with her mental health. She adds that although she does understand she was a vulnerable child who had no support from her family or anyone else in authority, she still blames herself for the abuse.
Belinda has a clear message for the police and staff in schools: ‘Take notice of children’s behaviour and question why’. She would like to see better support for victims and survivors going through the court system. She adds that everyone should be alert to child sexual abuse, saying ‘Behind closed doors it’s still going on’.
At times, Belinda finds it hard to express herself but explains that she was determined to share her experiences with the Truth Project to help protect other vulnerable young people.
She says ‘I wouldn’t want anybody else to go through what I went through’.