Carole says she still lives with a feeling of being ‘damaged’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Carole’s foster father sexually abused her, then claimed it was a ‘consensual relationship’.
The abuse caused conflicting emotions for her that still affect her.
Carole was taken into care as a baby. She was sent to over 10 different placements before she was settled with foster parents, John and Sue, when she was 12 years old.
She remembers that she liked some of the places she was sent to, but that some were ‘awful’.
Her foster parents had another child, and Carole says that Sue focused all her interest on this child. But she remembers that from the time she arrived, John gave her a lot of attention.
He groomed Carole on the pretext of ‘educating’ her, saying that she needed to know about sex and it was ‘better to be taught by an older man’. After a few months, he showed her how he put a condom on. Carole was frightened but he reassured her ‘nothing sexual’ was going to happen.
The abuse escalated from kissing and touching to oral sex. He started raping her when she was in her early teens, and did this regularly, sometimes twice a day.
John continued justifying the abuse, telling Carole how ‘healthy’ sex was, how much he cared for her, that he was in an ‘open marriage’, but that his marriage would break down if she told anyone what he was doing. Carole adds that he was a respected man in the local community who was known for the work he did with vulnerable and troubled children.
Carole says her foster mother was definitely aware of the abuse, because she actually saw her husband naked in bed with her. However, her foster mother later denied she knew of the situation.
Carole explains that John was extremely controlling of the whole family. They lived in an isolated place with no public transport, so could not go anywhere unless he drove them.
She describes the confusing emotions she felt towards the man who was abusing her; she felt that she loved him, and that he loved her and would leave his wife so they could be together.
As she got older, he abused her less frequently, although he became more interested if she got attention from other males. She felt rejected when he seemed less interested in her.
Carole did have a social worker, but they were not supportive and did not visit often.
The abuse ended when Carole left the foster home to go to university.
Carole got married and when she had a child, it triggered memories of the abuse. She decided to report John to the police. He was charged and pleaded guilty, but claimed it was a ‘consensual relationship’ and was given a caution.
Carole did receive a payment from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority. She had to fight for this because of John’s ‘consensual’ claim, but she won and she feels this acknowledged that she had been abused.
The abuse has affected her friendships and relationships – she feels rejected if someone doesn’t want to have sex with her. She also finds working relationships difficult, especially when there are issues of power and control. She blames herself for being abused.
Carole would like to see improved access to support and therapy for victims and survivors of child sexual abuse. She has had counselling but had to pay for it herself. She also says it is important that social workers see children on their own and ask them direct questions to make sure they are all right.
She says that studying hard helps her cope with the impact of the abuse, but adds ‘It never really goes away. You learn to live with it … I don’t think it is ever not going to have a profound effect on how I am in the world’.