Chesney says it felt ‘amazing’ to tell people he had been sexually abused and be treated with empathy
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Chesney struggled for many years with the ‘shame’ of being sexually abused.
He says that counselling, and being supported by his wife and friends, has helped him find ways to cope.
Chesney describes his early childhood as ‘pretty good’ – his family were close and spent time together. But his parents came under financial pressure, started arguing a lot, and he says ‘us kids were left more to ourselves’.
They split up when Chesney was 10, and he and his sibling moved between their separate homes.
Soon after, Chesney says, he started to go ‘off the rails ... up to all sorts’. In his last year of primary school, he and a friend joined a youth club. One day they were hanging around outside the club, which was closed, but the leader, Simon, was there and he let them in. Chesney says they thought it was ‘cool’ to be allowed into the building when it was closed.
Inside, they began play fighting and Simon joined in, grabbing and tickling them. Simon told the boys there was an activity event coming up they might enjoy. They could stay the night with him and he would take them the next day.
Chesney says the abuse ‘snowballed from there’. Simon regularly came up with reasons for them to stay over and put the boys to sleep in his bedroom; one on the floor, and one in his bed. He would touch them under their night clothes and masturbate them. He then found reasons to separate them. The abuse escalated to oral sex and Simon once tried to anally rape Chesney.
Simon used to tell Chesney ‘it’s ok if you like it … it’s our secret’. He arranged for the boys to stay with him on numerous occasions and also sexually abused them on camping trips. Chesney comments ‘One of the times I was abused at camp, he had a group of us in his tent, with other youth leaders there. I look back and think – alarm bells should have been going off’.
The abuse continued for a few years, until Chesney heard the news that the youth leader had been arrested. When it came out, it became clear that Simon had abused several children over many years. Some of them were friends of Chesney, and Chesney’s dad shouted at him ‘He hasn’t touched you has he?’.
Chesney said this made him ‘clam up’. His parents did not sit down with him and ask him gently and calmly if anything had happened.
Simon was sent to prison but Chesney says he can’t remember whether the police contacted him during the investigation. ‘Or maybe I don’t want to remember’ he says.
In the following years, Chesney says he started drinking, smoking and taking drugs. He got married and had children, and although he worked hard and provided for his family, he carried on using drugs, which caused problems with his wife. ‘I was a functioning dysfunctional’ he says.
He distanced himself from his old friend, because he didn’t want the association with the abuse. At some stage, he says, ‘the news seemed to be all about child sexual abuse … it was in my face’. He seriously considered suicide but managed to tell his wife that he needed help. She worked out what had happened and got him some help. ‘She has been a rock’ Chesney says.
Chesney feels strongly that anyone who works with children should be educated to look out for the signs of possible abuse. He says he once missed school for three whole weeks and his behaviour was ‘destructive’. Although, he comments, this could have been put down to his parents separating.
He would like to see support and counselling more readily available for victims and survivors. He says ‘There were delays and at that time I was hanging on the edge of a cliff’.
With counselling, Chesney stopped taking drugs and says he found ways of coping that were not destructive. He took up sports, gets on well with his wife and enjoys time with his children.
He says he struggled for a long time with the shame of being abused. ‘I have heard so many times “it’s not your fault” but it’s hard to believe it. You ask yourself why didn’t I stop it?’
Chesney has now told some of his close friends. He was worried about their reaction, but says it felt ‘amazing’ when they responded with empathy. He concludes ‘I reached out to the Truth Project because I want to help people who have been in the same position as me’.