Daphne says ‘I had no idea what grooming was … I thought I loved him’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
A cadet instructor groomed and sexually abused Daphne when she was a young teenager.
He got married when he was still abusing Daphne, and often told her that he loved her.
Daphne and her family moved house when she was 11. She found it difficult to make friends in a new school in a new area. When she was in her early teens she joined a local cadet force, and she says, this became ‘my happy place’.
Although she enjoyed the group, she found one of the outdoor activities a challenge and she failed the proficiency exam. Her instructor, A, offered to give her one-to-one coaching, and before long he arranged for her to stay overnight at his house, where he lived with his partner.
The second time Daphne stayed with the couple, the spare room was occupied by other adult friends who were staying, and she was invited to sleep on a camp bed next to the instructor and his partner.
The adults had all been drinking before they went to bed, and had given some to Daphne. It was the first time she had drunk alcohol.
During the night, Daphne woke to find A touching her intimately, and she realised he was masturbating. His partner was asleep.
Daphne was frightened and confused by this. The next day, the instructor told her he loved her.
Over the following months, A continued sexually abusing Daphne. She says they ‘got closer and closer’ during the increasing amount of tuition he was giving her.
A told Daphne that he would leave his partner and he asked her to have sex with him. Daphne said she did not really want to sleep with him and ‘felt pressured’. He began raping her. This happened several times in Daphne’s home when her parents were out and at A’s home when his partner was not there.
The instructor did not leave his partner – he got married to her. Daphne was invited to the wedding, and that day A raped her.
The abuse continued. Daphne says she believed she was in a ‘relationship’ with A and that he really loved her. He continued telling her he was going to leave the woman who was now his wife.
When Daphne was in her mid-teens, A’s wife discovered what her husband was doing. She was furious, but blamed Daphne and threatened to tell her parents. Daphne was terrified of this threat and took an overdose.
When her parents found out about the abuse, they wanted to report it to the police but Daphne persuaded them not to.
The Cadets were informed and the instructor was dismissed, but they did not inform the police. Daphne says ‘Mum and dad just wanted what was best for me but I now think that there should be no option but to report to police’.
She adds that she thinks the Cadets ‘only wanted to protect themselves’.
Daphne continued seeing the instructor and became pregnant. For a time she lived in temporary homeless accommodation. She had a termination which was very distressing. She says ‘I was in a mess and never dealt with it’. And she adds ‘I was still convinced he loved me … it was just awful’.
About a decade after the abuse ended, Daphne discovered that A was working again with young people and she decided to go to the police. There was an investigation and a court case, but it did not result in a conviction.
Daphne feels she missed what should have been four good years of her life. After the court case she says she felt she had ‘massively failed … it still feels like my fault’.
She stresses the importance of effective child protection and safeguarding procedures. She adds it should be mandatory to report all abuse.
Daphne is now in a stable relationship but says that it took her a long time to trust her partner. She has children but says she is very protective of them because of her experiences.
Daphne is waiting to have therapy. She says ‘I’ll never forget, but hope I can accept what’s happened in a better way than what I’m doing now’.