Deidra’s mother asked her if she had ‘encouraged’ her stepfather to sexually abuse her
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Deidra describes growing up with her younger sibling in an unstable family where domestic violence was a frequent occurrence.
Her mother’s new husband sexually and emotionally abused Deidra. He was sent to prison and is now an old man, but she worries constantly that he may be free.
Deidra never knew her father because he left when her mother was pregnant with her. She was about four years old when her mother married her stepfather. She describes him as very dominant.
Her mother worked very long hours to make ends meet and was absent from home for much of the time. Deidra was about 10 years old when her stepfather began to sexually abuse her. She is not sure how long it went on, but believes it was between several months and a year.
She says she knew that what was happening was wrong, but nobody talked about sex in her family and at the time it would have been hard for her to describe the abuse.
At one point Deidra did tell her her stepfather that she was going to talk to her mother about it. He threatened that if she did, he would kill her sibling.
Despite this, she found the courage to tell her mother and from that point, the sexual abuse stopped. However, they lived with her stepfather for another two years and he subjected them to serious emotional abuse during this time. Deidra mentions that she did not feel confident she could trust anyone at school to talk to them about her home life.
When she was in her 20s, Deidra learned that her stepfather had been arrested for a serious offence. During the investigation Deidra’s mother made a statement to the police and advised them of the sexual abuse of her daughter.
Deirdra then had to make a statement, which she found very difficult. The police said they would contact her to tell her the outcome, but she never heard from them again. She described how she felt violated and used by this, as if her experience counted for nothing.
Her stepfather was sent to prison for the offence, but was not prosecuted for sexually abusing her.
Deidra has had counselling but still feels painfully affected by her experiences. She says she finds it hard to trust people, and has been in a number of dysfunctional and abusive relationships.
She describes feeling there is a ‘block’ in her relationship with her mother which will never go. Over the years she says she has both blamed her mother for the abuse and felt guilty about it. She comments ‘I just wish that it didn’t feel like such a grubby secret’.
Deidra has a career and says she feels fortunate to have met her husband and have a loving and supportive relationship with him. But she describes herself as being hypervigilant with her child, and adds that although her abuser is an old man now, she just wants to know when he is dead.
She would like to see longer term support available for children who have been sexually abused, with effective therapy to help them lead healthy lives. She also feels strongly that the police should update people who have given statements about child sexual abuse.