Denis says ‘You never know how you’re going to be triggered’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Denis was quite young when one of his parents died, and not long after he was sent away to boarding school.
Over fifty years on, he is still traumatised by his experiences at boarding school.
After his parent died, Denis describes being ‘shunted around relatives, then suddenly informed I was going to boarding school’ when he was 10 years old.
He was sent to a boarding school where, for the next several years, he suffered physical and sexual abuse, along with humiliation and bullying.
Older boys were given authority over the younger ones and Denis says this led to a lot of abuse. One of his first recollections of the school is the toilets. ‘I’m watching someone being urinated on; someone else having their head stuffed down the toilet’ he says.
Denis recalls a teacher taking photos of the boys in the showers. Some of the boys would masturbate each other while washing after games. Two boys asked Denis if he would have anal sex or give them oral sex. Denis refused and this seemed to set off a sustained campaign of physical abuse and bullying against him.
Throughout the term, groups of boys would regularly drag him from bed and dunk his head repeatedly into a cold bath. He recalls ‘I’m fighting 15 to 20 of them off, every morning. I remember a master looking on and not intervening’.
They stole his food and possessions and contaminated his drinks. He was attacked by some older boys and an object was forced up his bottom. They continued to demand to have anal sex with Denis but he refused. He was so frightened of going to the toilet that he became badly constipated.
He says that several of the teachers knew what was going on but did nothing. However, they did regularly beat Denis, sometimes with wooden implements, for not achieving in his school work.
The only connection Denis had with the outside world was attending a Scouting group. Denis now wonders if he could have said something about the abuse to the leader of the group, but at the time he was not sure he could trust him.
Over the following years, the physical and sexual abuse at the school escalated. ‘It just seemed endless’ Denis says. At one stage he was groomed and sexually abused by another boy. ‘Somehow he seemed to have authority … he was paying a lot of attention to me’ Denis relates. But the boy soon began inflicting pain on him and abusing him.
Denis did well in his O levels but he became increasingly disturbed about what was happening at the school and his behaviour deteriorated. He was expelled and later interviewed by a police officer who asked if the staff were sexually abusing the boys.
Denis reported the abuse that was being perpetrated by the older boys.
He went to a local college to finish his A levels. He did not achieve well but he later completed studies to a higher degree level. At university he accessed counselling services, which he says was helpful.
Denis feels very let down by the school. He says the abuse he suffered there has affected his working life and his personal relationships, and has led to self-destructive behaviour.
He has had long periods of being unable to sleep. He adds ‘I’m lucky I found other coping methods apart from drugs and alcohol, but I do have to be careful’.
Denis would like to see schools strictly regulating older pupils’ access to, and control of, younger pupils. He thinks regular inspections of boarding schools should be carried out by independent bodies.
He says even though he has had extensive counselling and has good support from friends, he is still having to deal with the repercussions of the abuse. ‘It is easier, I can function mostly normally, until I’m triggered’ he adds.