Donal says ‘I hope in future children can be made more aware of their rights over their own bodies’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Donal says that until reports of child sexual abuse began to emerge in recent years, ‘I thought I was the only one, or at least one of a handful’.
He adds ‘I find it distressing and hard to believe how common the sexual abuse of children has turned out to be’.
Donal’s parents were devout Catholics and he attended a high school for boys in the 1970s. When he arrived there, the only female on site was the school secretary.
He writes ‘The ethos was based on physical discipline and obedience. I was caned many times and so were many other boys. It was normal then, and was done “for our own good”’.
Donal was sexually abused by a teacher, Mr Jones. He says the abuse started gradually and he thought Mr Jones was giving him attention because he liked him.
But then, he says ‘Things went too far and I became scared … I found I couldn’t say “no”, especially to a teacher. I was scared of him and terrified of being discovered’.
Donal describes realising that what was happening was very wrong and his fear that ‘I would bring terrible shame on myself and my parents’. He continues, ‘It is difficult to explain how humiliating and shameful it would have been for them and me if I had been caught’.
Donal describes his feelings of guilt, fear and powerlessness. ‘I was unable, and too scared, to stand up for myself or stop what was happening. There was no one I dared turn to.’
The abuse continued for two years. When Donal arrived back at school for the start of his final year, Mr Jones had left. He didn’t know why, and he didn’t want to ask. ‘The relief was incredible’ he says.
At the age of 16, Donal left home and school, and moved away, determined to put the experience behind him. He says ‘I vowed that nobody would ever find out what I had done and that I would take my secret to the grave’.
For some time, he succeeded in blocking out the memory, never looking back to the past. He says this helped him cope for a long time, but left him with emotional and social difficulties. After some years he developed addiction problems, including alcohol and gambling. He became depressed, and started having therapy.
‘The memories of what happened started to come back. I started to have overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame again and self-hatred’, Donal says. He made detailed plans to take his own life.
But, he continues, ‘Thanks to the help I have been lucky enough to receive, I am in a better place now’.
Donal says that along with the damage he has suffered as a result of being sexually abused, the abuse has also had very negative consequences for his wife and children.
He says it is difficult to convey how overwhelming the feelings of shame and guilt are for a child who has grown up in a religious family and community. ‘That is what really paralysed me’ he says, ‘Knowing that my whole family would be shamed and possibly shunned from the community’. He adds that he would not have dared ‘confess’ to a priest because of the close links between the church and school.
Donal hopes that in future, children will be more aware of boundaries and their rights concerning their own bodies, and feel able to say ‘no’ and ask for help if they need it.