Erick says ‘One unexpected consequence of being abused is that the truth becomes a problem’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
It took Erick many years to face the fact that he had been sexually abused.
He feels it has left him with a ‘dark side’ that he finds it difficult to speak about.
Erick grew up in the 1960s. He describes his family background as ‘troubled’.
He had a distant relationship with his father who became seriously ill when Erick was very young.
Erick was sent to boarding school when he was seven years old. ‘I didn’t want to be away from home’ he says, but his parents were convinced it would give him the best start in life.
There was a culture of violence perpetrated by teachers against pupils at the school. Erick was regularly beaten and was also sexually abused by the headmaster, Mr Jones. The abuse included rape. It happened every week for about four years and was always preceded with a beating for some alleged wrongdoing.
The school was relatively small, with fewer than 100 pupils. Erick was aware that Mr Jones sexually and physically abused some of the other boys, but he says they did not speak of it to each other.
Erick believes that the school matron was ‘colluding’ with Mr Jones. She would sometimes come into the dormitory at night, and falsely claim she had heard Erick talking. She would take him to Mr Jones’s office where he would be beaten and raped.
When he was nine, Erick began running away from school. The police always took him back but did not ask him why he had run away.
The physical and sexual abuse ended when Mr Jones retired.
Erick did not tell his parents what had happened to him at the school. He says it was always made clear that nothing that ever happened to anyone could be as bad as his father’s misfortune. He adds ‘If you are away at boarding school there is no one else to tell’.
He acknowledged the physical abuse but he says it took many years before he could bring himself to admit the full extent of the sexual abuse.
Erick has suffered with feelings of shame and self-blame. He says he knows the abuse wasn’t his fault but still finds himself asking ‘Why me and not the others?’ He has felt confused about intimacy and sexuality, and found it hard to maintain relationships. He has nightmares and flashbacks.
He has sometimes drunk heavily. He says he justifies this to himself but knows this is an unhealthy pattern. He says ‘You start compensating yourself, because you have had a miserable life, so it’s ok to drink too much’.
Erick feels his experiences have also affected his sense of truth. He sees himself as an honest person but says there is a dark side to him which he has been unable to speak of. He is concerned that if victims and survivors talk about being sexually abused, ‘people will start looking at you differently, judging you differently’.
He feels very aware of abuse of power and control, and is distrustful of men.
Erick has trained in psychology and has applied this to help him deal with some of his experiences.
He feels strongly that more resources are needed to help and support men who have been sexually abused.
Erick hopes that his experience will help provide a better understanding of the abuse of males.