Esther says she feels like a failure for not being able to recall fully what happened to her
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Esther relates that she struggled with depression during her childhood and adolescence and was bewildered as to why she felt that way. It was decades later that memories of sexual abuse returned to her, and she began to understand the reason for her unhappiness.
Esther describes growing up in an ‘idyllic’ rural village with her parents and an older brother. She says she was very studious at school and something of a ‘loner’.
Throughout her early life, her feeling of unhappiness grew, and she could not understand why – there seemed no obvious cause. She recalls that when she was 13 years old she felt in such despair that she stole some tablets from a relative and wrote a suicide note.
She continued battling with depressive feelings during her teenage years, and tried to live her life as normally as possible. She was a high achiever at school, went on to university, and is working in her chosen profession.
Later, Esther discovered that her grandmother had suffered with depression and concluded that her own condition was genetic.
When she was in her mid 30s, Esther had what she describes as ‘an intense physical and emotional experience’ that triggered an overwhelming sense of being sexually abused as a child.
Gradually she started to piece together fragmented memories of what had happened. She recalled that her parents went out regularly when she was a child, leaving her with a local babysitter. This was a middle-aged woman, who was joined by her son and her male partner after Esther’s parents had left the house.
She has vivid memories of lying at the end of her bed and seeing the two males in the bedroom. She has images of herself on the bed on all fours.
Esther has since discovered that the babysitter’s partner was a known paedophile.
For the first time in her life Esther has been able to understand and relate her depression to the sexual abuse she suffered when she was a child. Coming to terms with this is still profoundly affecting her.
She describes feeling an all-consuming anger about what happened and the fact that she was not protected when she was a child.
She finds it difficult to forgive her parents for letting her down so badly. She says she became ‘hyper-vigilant’ with her own family, and particularly anxious about the possibility of her own child being abused.
She describes how she feels unable to cope with some situations. Some people have encouraged her to ‘draw a line’ under what had happened and ‘move on’. She accepts this is ‘well meaning’ but it emphasises to her a complete lack of understanding about the profound effects of child sexual abuse on victims and survivors.
Esther feels very strongly that the issue of child sexual abuse and the potential risks to children need a higher profile. She adds that there should be a greater understanding that abuse occurs within all classes, cultures and ethnicities.
She believes that public campaigns to raise awareness of the issue, and age-appropriate sex education about grooming and sexual abuse, could help to protect children.
She also thinks there should be more education available for parents about the potential risks to children, and that teachers should be better trained to be aware of early signs that could indicate abuse.