Francesca thought her controlling and manipulative father was ‘the best human being alive’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Francesca and her parents lived abroad when she was young but her mother had an affair which led to her parents separating.
Her father was very manipulative, and ensured that Francesca lived with him by threatening to kill himself if her mother did not allow this. He sexually abused his daughter for seven years, which caused lasting damage to her life.
Francesca explains that her father took a ‘very hands on approach to sex education’ by explaining how things worked. For example he would masturbate in front of her and explain what semen was and he would make Francesca get into sexual positions with him.
She relates that because her father described the sexual abuse as ‘special games’ she didn’t realise that what was happening was wrong. She says the shame that goes with the abuse is one of the aspects that has affected her the most.
It has also deeply affected her into adulthood that when she was growing up she saw her father as her hero, who could do no wrong.
But she now describes him as ‘a master manipulator’ who made her believe that her mother did not want her and chose a relationship with another man, over her daughter. Her father was able to provide material things for her that her mother could not afford.
If Francesca misbehaved in any way, her father would punish her by beating himself, sometimes on the head with a hot iron.
The sexual abuse stopped as her father started a relationship with a new partner. When this began, Francesca says she felt very jealous because her ‘amazing father was now sharing his attention between two people’. She remembers saying to him ‘we don’t play our special games any more'.
She describes her conflicting emotions about this and that although she never really enjoyed the games because she knew that something ‘was not right’, nevertheless she felt it was something ‘special’ between the two of them.
Her father’s new wife was not nice to Francesca and if she misbehaved, her father would smack her to keep his wife happy. Afterwards, he would give Francesca money as an apology.
Francesca says it was only after the abuse stopped and she became a teenager that she began to properly realise what had actually been happening to her and she started to hate her father.
Struggling with anxiety and depression, she left home when she was 17 years old. She did not sit her final secondary school exams and this was the only time her teachers asked her if everything was ok at home.
She says she had been ‘a golden child’ at school, performing well academically. But she thinks she must have started to looked tired as she was crying most nights, and had also put on weight because she was comfort eating. But she told her teacher that she was fine and nothing was explored further.
She found work after leaving school but subsequently went to university. Here, she realised she was having lots of problems; she says she behaved in a controlling and manipulative way in a relationship with a young man and was very emotional and angry. The pressure overwhelmed her and she tried to take her own life.
Francesca now has a very supportive husband. She had a psychiatric assessment which she says was really good and gave a thorough diagnosis, including PTSD. This has helped her turn her life around and become stable.
She confronted her father who admitted that he had abused her as a child. She reported it to the police in the UK who made a referral to the police in the country where she grew up, but that police force took no action.
Francesca feels she was let down by teachers who did not identify her problems. She was also taken to a GP with recurring cystitis when she was young but this was not picked up as a possible indication something was wrong.
She recommends that professionals do not ask child ‘is something wrong?’ as children will usually just say ‘no’ to a closed question, but instead ask things in a different way to encourage a child to share anything of worry.
She would also like to see changes in the way insurance companies deal with applications by victims and survivors of child sexual abuse. She has had problems securing life insurance for a mortgage because she has truthfully declared she has experienced depression.