Gregor says the myth that victims and survivors will become abusers stops them from speaking out
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Gregor was sexually molested by a youth leader when he was a young boy.
He confided in someone he thought he could trust, but this person raped him.
Gregor grew up in the 1960s and 70s. He describes himself as having been a ‘nerdy’ child. He says he felt different to his siblings – always on the periphery.
He spent a lot of time alone, but when he was about 12 he was persuaded to go and help paint the local youth centre. On two occasions, a youth leader touched him inappropriately.
Gregor explains that he liked spending time in the house of a neighbour ‘who was like a nan’ to him. She had a son in his 20s, Hamilton, who Gregor had known for years.
One day Gregor plucked up the courage to tell Hamilton what the youth worker had done. He stayed over at the neighbour’s house that night and he was woken to find his pants down and Hamilton raping him. At the time, he didn’t understand what was happening. He says that at the age of 12, he felt more like a nine year old, and he was not aware of sex.
The next day he started wetting the bed.
Gregor had to stay at Hamilton’s house again on another occasion, and this time he woke up again and Hamilton was ‘doing things’ to his genitals. He continued bed-wetting. He says he used to wake up in the morning and feel the wet sheets, and wish he hadn't woken up.
He started hiding the sheets under his bed but his mum found them and humiliated him about it.
He remembers that he felt ‘disgusting’ and in complete despair. He thought that he must be a ‘pervert’ like the youth worker and Hamilton. He was elated when his family moved away from this neighbourhood and he did not have to see Hamilton again.
Gregor became highly anxious at school and he would shake and sweat, but no one seemed to notice. He didn't take his final exams because he was too nervous.
His emotional and physical problems carried through to adulthood. He got a job but stayed there for a very long time because he was too anxious to go for any interviews. His anxiety levels escalated to the point that he had a mental breakdown.
Gregor was referred for counselling and did speak about the sexual abuse, but he found the questions he was asked too ‘forensic’ and it was not helpful. He says that his confidence has improved more recently, but he still finds social gathering difficult and it is impossible for him to trust men.
It has been a consistent worry for Gregor that many people believe that everyone who is abused will go on to abuse. He feels that this misconception silences victims and survivors of child sexual abuse.
He thinks that there needs to be a better understanding of signs of child sexual abuse, such as bed-wetting.