Hamid was abused by an uncle, but at family gatherings, he had to pretend nothing had happened
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Hamid grew up in a Muslim family with his mother, father and sister. His father was extremely violent and the family broke up.
Hamid, his mother and sister went to live with their extended family. This did not turn out to be a place of refuge for Hamid, because his cousin and his uncle sexually abused him.
Hamid relates that when they first moved it was ‘amazing’ to be in a new family, with lots of people around him, including cousins his age. However, he says, there were often no significant role models or parent figures around. His sibling had a serious illness and was frequently in hospital accompanied by his mother, leaving Hamid with other family members.
One day, an uncle arrived from south Asia to marry another family member. He was very charming and charismatic and he paid particular attention to Hamid. Hamid remembers that whenever he rebelled against his mother, his uncle would run to his defence.
A cousin who came to stay as a babysitter began to sexually abuse Hamid. It was made clear it was a secret, and at the time, Hamid thought it was a game. Sometimes the cousin’s brother was also involved. Both boys were older than Hamid.
Hamid says that once, one of the cousins referred to that fact that this ‘had already happened’ to him, when Hamid was five years old. Hamid says he could recall some details of an incident, but did not want to remember any more.
When Hamid was in his early teens, his uncle began sexually abusing him. This occurred in the family home, when the uncle was supposedly ‘minding’ his nephew. The abuse involved touching and masturbation. Hamid remembers that his uncle made it into a joke, and ‘acted as if he was proud of making it happen’.
He adds that it made him feel like he ‘wasn’t a boy any more’ and that he didn’t have control over his own body. Part of him wanted it to happen again, but he also felt it was wrong.
The abuse continued until Hamid was in his mid to late teens, after his uncle asked him for penetrative sex and he refused. He said at that point he decided he would never let anyone touch him like that again.
Hamid explains that he felt he had to compartmentalise everything to deal with his uncle, who he used to see at every family celebration. He says he had to embrace him as if nothing had happened.
He went to university where, struggling with his sexuality, he went for counselling and spoke for the first time about the sexual abuse he had experienced.
At this point, he says, he began to understand the impact of the abuse, which continues to affect him. He has self-harmed and says he often feels ‘not good enough, not valued’ and he craves love and confidence.
Hamid was eventually able to tell his parents what had happened and come out to them. He was supposed to have an arranged marriage when he was 18 and he says ‘I count myself lucky that I survived and got out’.
He now volunteers and speaks in schools about cultural issues that can affect young people.