Helen says ‘I’m beating the drum for kids who haven't had a voice’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Helen feels that no one in authority listened to her when she was being abused by her mother and members of staff in the care system.
She says ‘Children are always in the wrong and adults are always in the right … if you’re a child in these institutions you’re not listened to’.
Helen grew up in the 1980s and 90s. From as far back as she can remember, she has deeply distressing memories of the way her mother treated her. ‘I can only remember pure hate from her’ she says.
Her mother drank heavily, and singled Helen out among her siblings for physical and emotional abuse. Helen says ‘I used to be blamed for everything’. This included accusations that Helen had drunk her mother’s alcohol.
Helen was responsible for making tea for her family and other chores.
One day Helen came home from school, and her mum told her she and her father were getting divorced. She told Helen it was up to her who she lived with. Helen says she would have preferred to live with her dad but she didn’t want to be separated from her siblings.
She relates ‘The abuse got worse. She didn’t feed us, she left us to fend for ourselves. We were dishevelled and neglected’.
When Helen was around the age of 11 years, a neighbour was sexually abusing her. She believes her mum was well aware of this.
She ran away from home and wanted to live with her nan, but social services would not allow this and her mother agreed she should go into care.
Helen moved around different children’s homes. When she was about 14, a male member of staff, Rob, started coming into her room. He pretended to care that she was having a difficult time. He gave her extra pocket money and allowed her additional privileges, like being allowed to walk to a nearby shop.
But all this apparently favourable treatment was a means for Rob to groom and sexually abuse Helen.
In the next home that Helen was sent to, the man in charge told her she would be ok, as long as she remembered ‘Loose lips sink ships’. She had no idea what he meant at first, but she was physically and emotionally abused, and was aware of other children being sexually abused.
After she left this home, she was sexually abused over the telephone by another male member of staff.
Helen was not given any support when she left the care system.
When she was in her late 30s, she decided to report the sexual abuse she had suffered in children’s homes. She found the experience very distressing. She was interviewed by a male officer. ‘He was asking me really personal questions … I didn’t want to discuss it with him’ she says.
Helen says that a female officer was present at first, but she left the room.
She has not heard back from the police, but she has learned that Rob was found guilty of sexually abusing other children.
Helen is very distressed at the memories of her childhood. She asks ‘What did I do to deserve this hurt?’
She has self-harmed and been addicted to prescription and illegal drugs. She struggles with anger and anxiety, and feels that she is being judged for having been a child in care. She finds it hard to trust people and doesn’t feel anyone has ever listened to her.
Helen would like to think teachers would now try and help any child who was going into school in the neglected condition she was. She remembers telling teachers at secondary school what her life was like, but says their response was ‘There, there, get over it, you’re all right’.
She feels strongly that children should have access to an independent person to talk to. ‘Children need someone who has got their back’ she says.
Helen adds that there should be better support for young people when they leave the care system. ‘When things have gone on in your life and you are left at 16 to fend for yourself … If I could have just been given an after-care grant and got my own place.’
Based on her experiences with the police, Helen feels more care should have been taken with her interview and she should have been given the chance to speak to a female officer. ‘When you’re talking about sensitive subjects like that you need to build up some sort of rapport with the person. I’m not saying men can’t do it but you should be asked what you prefer.’
She feels angry with social services for judging her and not listening to her or protecting her.
Helen is very proud that she passed several exams and is a good mum to her children, in spite of her experiences and difficulties. She says ‘I’ve been trying to sort my life out but still to this day I’m struggling’.