Ira feels if you have been abused, you have to want to ‘open the box’. Once you do, things can slowly heal
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Ira says his parents were ‘incredible’, ensuring their children had the best life possible.
But sexual abuse by an older boy, and his father’s very masculine values have left him troubled and confused about his sexuality and relationships. However, he has many thoughtful insights into the impact of his experiences and ideas to make things better for the future.
Ira explains that it has taken some time to piece his memories of the abuse together, but he thinks it began when he was aged about nine or 10.
He and a group of boys found some pornographic magazines in a neighbour’s garage. The older boys masturbated in front of the younger ones and Ira remembers not understanding what they were doing.
One of the boys, Joey, who was about 15, explained it to Ira, and then asked Ira to perform oral sex on him after looking at the magazine. Ira remembers not wanting to and feeling repulsed, but he believes that he did obey Joey.
Joey’s mother had been Ira’s childminder and the families were close friends. Joey and Ira would spend time together, often going on bike rides to places that were out of sight. Ira realises now that this was to give the older boy opportunities to abuse him.
The abuse continued with touching and oral sex. Ira isn’t certain how long the abuse continued or how many times it happened. Ira feels that he possibly tries to think it was ‘not so often’ as a coping mechanism.
Joey attempted to have anal sex with Ira and Ira can remember that at some point he went along with this. He finds it hard to comprehend that he agreed to something that he really didn’t want. But he also understands that he was a young child and he sees there was a level of kudos for him to spend time with an older child, and to be daring.
There were times when Joey involved another child in the abuse. Ira feels that Joey did this to make them both complicit in a secret.
Ira grew up and joined the armed services and it was during this time that he made a disclosure about the abuse. Joey was interviewed by the police, but would not make any comment. Ira does not think it would make him feel any better if Joey was convicted.
He has also told his parents, who felt upset and guilty, but Ira has reassured them it was not their fault.
The abuse has caused Ira a lot of confusion around his sexuality. He feels that perhaps he was denied an opportunity to find out his sexuality for himself. He adds that his father’s attitude to homosexuality means that Ira felt compelled to be ‘hyper-masculine’ and that at times he has based his sense of masculinity on how many women he could sleep with.
Ira also feels very self-critical and has suffered frequent depression. He says he has been ‘always searching for answers’ but knows that is not always healthy ‘because sometimes there are no answers’.
He attends counselling and has gradually begun to speak to selected people he is close to about the abuse, and says this has generally helped him. It was a revelation to him to realise that he was the victim, and that people wouldn’t hold the abuse against him, and this has started his healing process.
Ira says he has finally started to find self-acceptance. He feels he is looked after by his very strong support network, and is very self-aware and knows how to care for himself.
He believes there needs to be more awareness of child sexual abuse, as victims and survivors become very good at hiding the signs of abuse, as he did. He feels awareness or training is also needed for parents to know how to respond to abuse.
Ira strongly believes that you can learn from mistakes and where things have gone wrong. He says that if sharing his experience can help one person, it makes it worth it for him.