Ivor says ‘I will never be free of what this person did to me’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Decades after he was sexually abused, Ivor is tormented with guilt that he didn’t report the perpetrator.
He says ‘Sexual abuse is vile, but the sting in the tail is the psychological damage that’s done’.
Ivor was born in the 1960s into a very unstable family. He relates ‘Mum was severely mentally ill and couldn’t cope with me. My dad was an unsavoury character. I had a bad start in life, which made me extremely vulnerable’.
He knows from his records that he was battered as a baby and was admitted to hospital more than once. On one occasion he nearly died from injuries. He adds ‘I’ve seen an account in my file that I would cower when my dad came into the room. I don’t know what he did to me but clearly there was psychological harm’.
Ivor was taken into care as a small boy and lived with several different foster families before being placed in a children’s home.
Looking back on the day he went there, he sees it as ‘Dickens-like’. He remembers being a tiny boy, outside a big old house.
Ivor was sexually abused by Mr Wilson, a member of staff at the home. He says ‘It felt he had singled me out. I never went more than two or three days without him doing it’.
Mr Wilson later moved into staff accommodation at the children’s home, which gave him more access and opportunities to sexually abuse Ivor. Ivor remembers freezing the first time the abuser touched his genitals. He was not sure if it was an accident at first, but when it kept happening, he knew that it was deliberate.
One day Ivor was in the bath and Mr Wilson approached him. Ivor said ‘no’ and for some reason the abuser did stop.
Some time later, some children at the home reported that Mr Wilson had sexually abused them.
No one asked the other children if they had also been abused, and Ivor did not speak out. He suffers great anguish with feelings of guilt that he wasn’t the first person to report the abuser.
He says ‘If only I’d had the courage others wouldn’t have gone through what they went through. I know people will say “It’s not your fault, you were a child” but I want to say sorry to them. I can’t get that out of my head’.
After the abuse came to light, Mr Wilson moved out of the children’s home.
As an adult, Ivor decided to report Mr Wilson to the police. He suffers with physical health conditions and severe pain that are related to the abuse, and he decided he did not want to die without telling someone.
Ivor says the police have been ‘outstanding’, and he says that he felt ‘listened to’. They discovered that Mr Wilson was dead, and had no record of any previous sexual abuse by him, so Ivor thinks that it was never reported to them by the children’s home.
Ivor was subjected to further sexual abuse as an adult and this also makes him feel guilty and ashamed. He describes ‘feeling it is my fault because I had a big target on my forehead saying “vulnerable”. Even when people say it’s not my fault, it’s difficult for me to accept’.
He feels that he is still searching for justice. He would like an acknowledgement and apology that social services did not protect him, and to try and ensure that victims of child sexual abuse are better protected in the future.
Ivor has several clear suggestions on how child protection could be improved. He would like all staff in children’s homes to be psychologically assessed as part of the interview process, and thinks assessments should take place every few years on existing employees.
He says that children who have been sexually abused while in care should be immediately removed and taken to a place of safety, and given unlimited access to professional support.
Ivor concludes ‘Terrible things have happened to me, but if I’m able to do anything to make sure other people don’t go through what I did, I’ll put my best foot forward’.