Jackson says that it is too often said ‘We always thought there was something dodgy about him’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
When the clergyman who sexually abused Jackson was prosecuted, it emerged that he had sexually abused many other boys.
Jackson says the church must take responsibility and hold abusers to account.
Jackson’s father died when he was very young, and his mother remarried. She never talked about Jackson’s father. ‘It was like he never existed’ he says.
This made him feel confused, He says that while his mum met his practical needs, she did not meet his emotional needs and he thinks this made him vulnerable.
Jackson joined the church choir, and his mum and stepfather started attending church. He was a good singer and did well in the choir. He says ‘The choir master was a lovely gentleman’.
When Jackson was 10 years old, a new rector arrived at the parish, called Chris, and Jackson says ‘he very quickly became involved in our lives … he became friendly with my mum and dad’.
The attention he and his family got from Chris made him feel special. The rector started inviting Jackson to his house after services.
Jackson would chat to Chris about school and family. Jackson spoke to the rector about his deceased father. ‘He knew I felt isolated’ he says. Chris began hugging and holding Jackson when they were talking, then commenting on his body.
One day, Chris put his hand on Jackson’s genital area. Jackson can remember feeling awkward but did not know what to do. As time went on, Chris began touching Jackson inside his trousers. ‘I didn’t feel I had the power to say “Stop this”’ says Jackson. The abuse happened regularly, every week.
Chris was knowledgeable about performing arts, which Jackson was interested in. The rector arranged with Jackson’s mum to take Jackson on a trip to a theatre show in the city. They stayed the night in the same hotel room, and Chris sexually abused Jackson.
Over the next few years, Chris built on his connection with Jackson’s family. He invited them to stay in his holiday home, and Jackson’s mother began doing housework for him. This provided more opportunities for the rector to sexually abuse Jackson.
The abuse escalated to masturbation and oral sex, and the rector manipulated Jackson with promises of an inheritance.
When Jackson was in his mid-teens, the rector gave him alcohol and then got Jackson to perform oral sex on him. Jackson remembers feeling disgusted. ‘It felt horrible’ he says. He left the house feeling sick. When he passed a telephone box, he called the Samaritans. He can’t remember what he said, but he knows he was feeling suicidal.
Jackson did express his discomfort about the abuse to Chris, but the rector kept insisting that it was normal for him to feel shame. ‘I wanted a normal friendship with him … I told him I wanted just to have a conversation and be friends’ he says.
Jackson became increasingly unhappy with the situation but could not see a way to extract himself. One day when Chris was abusing him and simulating anal sex, Jackson became overwhelmed with feelings of revulsion. ‘It felt like he thought he was in a relationship with me … it felt so wrong’ he says.
Jackson got dressed and left. After that he avoided Chris, although the rector tried to maintain contact with him for many years, even after he left home.
As an adult, Jackson began drinking heavily. After a relationship break-up, he says ‘everything came to a head’. He developed mental health problems and had therapy. He decided to go back to his faith, and told a chaplain about the abuse he had suffered.
The chaplain was supportive, and Jackson decided to report Chris to the police. During the investigation, more victims and survivors of Chris came forward. Chris was found guilty of several charges of sexual abuse and given a lengthy prison sentence. Jackson attended court and read out a victim impact statement. He says ‘the judge was brilliant’.
Along with mental health issues and alcohol abuse, Jackson has struggled with feelings of anger, shame and guilt. He has had difficulties with sex and relationships.
He says the church must take responsibility and hold clergymen to account if they abuse their position and power. He wants to see more awareness and education that will result in action being taken; too often it is said after abuse has come to light ‘We always thought there was something dodgy about him’.
Jackson finds solace in spirituality. He has had therapy and he is now training to be a psychotherapist. He says ‘I am starting to understand the bits about me I am not happy with, and starting to understand what is linked to my abuse’.