Jasmine believes her parents’ lifestyle made her vulnerable to abuse
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Jasmine relates that she grew up in a household where she was exposed to things she should not have experienced at such a young age.
From the time she was a toddler her mother and father had an ‘open marriage’. She describes the effect this had on her idea of how sex should be in a loving relationship and how vulnerable it made her to sexual abuse. This occurred in her home and neighbourhood. She believes the perpetrators could ‘sniff out’ her vulnerability.
Jasmine’s mother was, she says, ‘narcissistic, overbearing and controlling’ and was a very strong person. She adds that her mother ‘had the life of Riley’, was only concerned about her own needs and embraced the idea of an open marriage. There were men ‘in and out’ of the home and at times Jasmine could hear what was going on.
Her parents would leave graphic ‘swingers-type’ magazines around the house, which Jasmine would read. They would have swingers meetings when she was around.
Her parents would walk around the house naked and Jasmine felt she had no privacy. When she was a young teenager her mother took the family on holiday to a nudist camp, and Jasmine felt very embarrassed and thought the experience ‘horrific’.
When her dad worked away her mum was ‘out partying’ most nights, and she was frequently left alone and responsible for her two younger brothers. She says she was a shy child and that her mother ’ground me down’.
The first time Jasmine can remember being abused was when she was about eight years old, and a teenage neighbour touched her vagina when they were behind the garden shed. This occurred several times over about six months. She has no memory of penetration occurring and does not think it did.
She describes herself as ‘very subservient’ and recalls her confusion, saying she found the abuse ‘dirty and comforting at the same time, as he was gentle’. She thought because she was so little she did not have the right to say no and she should do whatever other people told her to do.
The family moved house and when she was about 11 years old Jasmine was coerced by a girl bully into sexual activity with a boy. The bully then spread the story of what happened around school – a staff member became aware but took no action and essentially blamed Jasmine. She was taunted about the incident at school and called a ‘slapper’ and says she believed this was true.
When she was a young teenager she was ‘touched down there’ by a tradesman in his 50s who was working in her home. He pushed her against a wall to abuse her and she describes this as ‘rough and ready’. She told her next-door neighbour what had happened. The neighbour responded that it was ‘one of those things’ and carried on with her knitting.
A couple of years later, Jasmine was groomed by a neighbour – a man in his 40s. He would touch her intimately and on her 16th birthday he sent her a graphic birthday card saying they could now have sex. The abuse lasted until Jasmine was about 18 when she left home. She says her mother knew what was happening and condoned it.
During this period Jasmine was also sexually assaulted by a 16-year-old male, who stripped her of her clothes and attempted to rape her. She says it was a very aggressive assault and she was fearful she would be hurt. She did say ‘no’ during this assault and she feels proud of herself that she did and he did stop.
She adds that she had sex with her younger brother when she was 15 years old and he was a few years younger. Her father found them in bed together and said: ‘isn’t that sweet’.
Jasmine relates further occasions of abuse, including a sexual assault when she was 16 years old by the older brother of a friend.
She would often visit the doctor and hint that she thought she may have a sexually transmitted disease but says he ‘would never pick up’ on this or ask any further questions.
Jasmine says she has felt a lot of self-blame and guilt for the abuse that occured during her mid-teenage years, but now realises that she was conditioned by her upbringing. With little awareness of loving relationships, she became promiscuous.
She relates that she always let her abusers do what they wanted with her as she believed in some subconscious way that ‘it was their right’. She feels that sex was something she ‘had to do’ and saw it as mechanical and not loving or pleasurable.
Jasmine feels that a key problem for her was growing up in a house where ‘anything goes’ and not having a good female role model.
She remembers feeling that her home was ‘dirty and seedy’ and says she had a ‘poor understanding of sex’ because her mother was obsessed with it. She says she was ‘taught all wrong about sex … I was roller-coastered into a sexual life far too early, before I was ready.’
She believes her parents had no idea the effect their ‘liberal ideas’ had on their children. She describes them as ‘very intellectual’ but as a child she thought she was stupid as her mother regularly told her she was, and she did not do well at school.
Jasmine adds that she sometimes feels that she does not have the right to complain as other people ‘have had it much worse’ than her, but adds that the abuse has affected her throughout her life. She has suffered from anxiety and low self-esteem. At times she has been unable to work due to stress, has suffered from depression, misused alcohol and been in abusive relationships. She feels her faith in God has helped her.
She feels let down by the people she did speak to about the abuse – not that they did not believe her but that they brushed it aside and implied it was part of growing up and she should deal with it.
Jasmine believes that professionals should be more alert to the unspoken warning signs of abuse presented by children and should follow up any abuse reported to them.
She would like to see an emphasis on relationship education for children in schools, and ‘training’ for parents on the right way to bring up children. She thinks the age of consent for sex and marriage should be 18.
Jasmine has not previously talked about the extent of her abuse. She decided to come forward as she believes the Truth Project will ‘actually listen’ to her experience.