Jay was a small child when he was sexually abused, but he feels guilty he didn’t do more to stop it
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
It is more than 60 years since Jay was sexually abused by a school teacher.
He has only recently told his wife about it, and decided to share his experience because he feels increasingly worried about sexual abuse happening to other children.
Jay explains that when he was at infant school he was a quiet child who preferred to stay inside at playtime.
His teacher, Mr Brown, let him do this, and Jay says this made him feel special because he was the only pupil who was allowed to stay in.
Alone in the classroom with Jay, Mr Brown began sexually abusing him. He used to put his hand down Jay’s trousers and he offered him pocket money to go into a store room with him. Jay says he did this once, and Mr Brown made it very clear that he was desperate for him not to say anything about it.
As a small child, Jay had not questioned why Mr Brown was singling him out for attention, but he says he felt guilty when he was being abused, because he knew it was wrong.
Jay can’t recall how many times he was abused, but he says it seemed to go on for a long time. Mr Brown continued trying to entice Jay into the store room, by offering him more money. He is very relieved he didn’t go again as he thinks the abuse would have become even worse.
The abuse stopped when Jay moved to the junior school.
Jay says he came close to telling his parents about the abuse a couple of times, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Again, he remembers feeling guilty about it, because he knew it was wrong, but he was petrified of telling.
When he was about nine or 10 years old, he started to wet the bed. His parents were understanding and tried to help. Jay thinks they were aware that there were ‘issues’ but they didn’t know what they were. They spoke to his teachers because of his poor grades but nobody asked Jay if there was anything wrong that could have been affecting his performance.
Jay recounts that when he went to secondary school, his feelings of guilt about the abuse became more intense. He blamed himself and felt depressed and suicidal.
As he became an adult, he managed to accept what had happened and why he felt like he did. He hated Mr Brown for a long time afterwards but feels he has come to terms with it.