Next to sexual abuse, Jim says ‘being in court was the worst thing I have ever been through’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Such is the lasting damage inflicted on Jim by a rapist and other abusers that, he says: ‘I have the choice to live with what goes on in my head, or to kill myself.’
Jim wants the Inquiry to push for more and better training of professionals involved with child sex abuse.
Jim was brought up in a violent household. A psychiatrist recommended he be sent to a residential school when he was around seven or eight years old. He says he saw his parents about once a fortnight after that. At first, he made friends, but says: ‘Then he arrived, and things went to hell.’
A new staff member named Bill began to sexually abuse him regularly. It began with fondling but then progressed. Jim was locked in a room with the abuser and made to perform oral sex. He was taken to one of the on-site buildings and was abused by multiple men. After this incident, he was told by Bill he had simply had a bad dream.
The sexual abuse escalated as Jim was moved around different rooms in the house which gave the perpetrator greater access to him. Further sexual abuse frequently took place in a strange building, which Bill said he lived in, outside the school grounds.
Jim recalls the incredible pain he experienced when he was first raped, and how he bit Bill until he bled. Bill changed the sheets and took Jim’s blood-covered pyjamas away. Jim describes how the sexual abuse went ‘on and on’, and his terrible fear of his abuser.
In a further travesty of his authority, Bill gave Jim presents for being ‘a good boy’. These might be comics and sweets after he had performed oral sex and masturbation, or expensive toys after he had been raped. Once he was given an item of jewellery but told not to wear it home, presumably so his parents wouldn’t ask questions.
Jim says he reported the sexual abuse to a female carer, but she called him a liar, saying Bill cared about him too much to do that to him. He never told his parents for fear they wouldn’t believe him either. Once his mother noticed bruises and scratches on his back, but Jim said he couldn’t remember how they got there, and his father presumed he was being bullied. He tried to tell his mother years later but gave up after he was interrupted by his sibling.
During the period he was sexually abused, Jim experienced crippling abdominal pains that lasted up to 30 minutes and terrified him. This pain would be accompanied by hot and cold sweats, dizziness, sickness and light-headedness. He says he still experiences these symptoms, but to a lesser degree, to this day.
He has nightmares and has self-harmed and nearly attempted suicide before considering the impact on his parents. He has experienced rage, paranoia, poor mental health and heavy drinking. He avoids public transport and other busy places as they make him feel trapped.
In the 1990s, the police wrote to ex-residents of the home inviting them to come forward as part of an investigation into Bill. Jim gave a statement, but the case was not pursued. He contacted the police again after he saw Bill’s picture in a local paper following his conviction for child sexual abuse. Seeing the image of his abuser, was, he says: ‘Like being transported back to the corridors [of the institution] again. I went to the toilet and was physically sick.’
Bill was charged with multiple child sexual abuse offences and was found guilty of indecent assault. Jim says that records from his time in the home were reduced to a single piece of paper with no medical records. He says there was a high staff turnover at the school and believes people were forced to leave if they raised concerns.
The court case was extremely traumatic for Jim. He says the defence lawyers raked through every misdemeanour he had ever committed, including theft of sweets when he was a child. He adds: ‘Apart from the actual experience (of sexual abuse), being in court was the worst thing I have ever been through.’
Following Bill’s conviction, Jim contacted a solicitor. After two years, the organisation that owned the home admitted liability and Jim was awarded a significant amount of money. He had to sign a confidentiality agreement that prevents him revealing the amount of the compensation.
Jim has seen psychiatrists and counsellors but feels support for survivors is inadequate. But after the guilty verdict he has found living with his experiences slightly easier.
Jim recommends that what is learned by the Inquiry should be applied to train social workers, teachers, the police and charity workers, so they can identify the signs of child sexual abuse and when to offer children support.
He would like to see more effective oversight of therapists and support workers, and clear means to complain about poor practice. Survivors of sexual abuse should not have to sign confidentiality clauses as a condition of being awarded compensation.