Through counselling he had as an adult, Julien was able to understand why he struggled with anger
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Julien has a reading disability which meant he was labelled ‘thick’ at school.
He was happy when a teacher gave him positive attention, but this turned out to be grooming for sexual abuse.
When Julien was at school in the 1980s, his condition was not recognised and he would often be told to ‘get to the back of the class’. He found writing difficult, but liked drawing and says that he thinks in pictures.
When he was 11 years old, he went on a residential school trip to an outdoor activity centre far from home. Pupils and teachers from other schools also attended.
Julien relates that one of these teachers, Mr Smith, ‘paid more attention to me than the average teacher. I felt more important than the other children … I don't remember the things he did but I remember it made me feel very special’.
He adds ‘I understand now what I didn’t then’.
The pupils slept in dormitories and one night, Mr Smith came in and sexually abused Julien, touching his private parts. Julien says ‘I tried to stop it but I was very frightened, and he kept doing it’. The teacher only stopped and left because another boy in the dormitory woke up.
Julien has vivid visual memories of what happened that night. He comments that after Mr Smith abused him, ‘he didn't really pay attention to me at all’.
When Julien went home, he didn’t tell his mum for several weeks, until he saw a television advert for Childline. ‘It triggered something in my mind’ he says, and he told her.
He doesn’t know all the details of what followed, but he knows his mum complained to the school and the local authority. Letters were exchanged, which his mother kept, including ones from the local authority that denied the abuse had happened.
Julien can remember being at a meeting in the headteacher’s office at school, and giving a statement.
He went on to get married and had children, and built a career that involved a lot of travel and relocation. When he was in his 30s, he started having counselling. ‘I was having trouble keeping my emotions from boiling over’, he says,.‘I sought some help. What I thought was a “young man thing” was a little bit deeper rooted than that.’
After a counsellor asked Julien if he thought Mr Smith might still be alive, Julien decided to report the abuse to the police. The investigation was complex because it involved the police force where he reported the abuse, the force where he lived as a child, and the force where the offence took place.
The case resulted in a hung jury and the Crown Prosecution Service took it to court a second time.
This was a difficult experience for Julien. He was cross-examined about events that had happened when he was 11 years old and he feels this was done to put doubt in the minds of the jury.
Mr Smith was found not guilty. Julien says ‘The worst thing, and it still troubles me now, is that those jurors think that I lied’.
Julien has suffered with anger issues, but he feels he is on top of these because he understands where his anger comes from. He says he is a workaholic; he uses work as a ‘shut out’. He finds it difficult to trust people and doesn’t like groups. He wonders what his personality and life would have been like if he had not been abused.
He suggests that vetting processes for people who have contact with children should be made more stringent, and he would like to see research into what causes perpetrators to sexually abuse children.
Julien also feels there should be better preparation for victims and survivors before court cases, to help them know what to expect and feel more at ease during the trial.