Julienne says it means so much to her that her mother always believed her disclosure
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
The impact on Julienne of being sexually abused by her father was made even worse by comments made in court by his defence barrister and the judge.
He was acquitted but is now facing more charges of child sexual abuse.
Julienne grew up in the 1970s and 80s. Her parents separated when she was a toddler. She lived with her mother but stayed with her father regularly.
She was about five years old when her father first sexually abused her. He asked her if she and her friends ever pulled their pants down and looked at each other’s private parts. She says she didn’t understand why he was asking. Her father then said ‘Shall we do that?’
After that, her father abused Julienne every time he saw her, until she was 13. She explains how conflicted and confused she felt – she says ‘although he had this monstrous side to him, he was still my dad and I loved him’.
The abuse including him making her perform oral sex on him and trying to penetrate her vaginally and anally, which hurt her. Sometimes it took place in his house; other times he took her to remote places.
Julienne says that one of the ‘worst things’ was that as she got older her father used increasingly obscene language when he was abusing her. ‘I hate him for putting that imagery in my head when I was just a kid … it’s really grim.’
Her father impressed on her that she must not tell anyone – he insisted there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, but said ‘People wouldn’t understand … if you tell anyone I’ll be hanged and you don’t want that do you?’
When she was a teenager, Julienne’s mother moved further away so she did not see so much of her father. She thinks this helped her to tell her mum and stepdad what had been happening. She says there was never any doubt that they believed her.
Julienne did not see her father after this. The police and social services became involved. Her father was arrested and charged but acquitted at the trial.
During the trial, the defence barrister commented that he had no doubt that Julienne had been abused, but not by his client. Julienne’s mum has told her that when the judge was summing up, he told the jury ‘It is important to remember that women and children do lie in these sorts of cases’.
She says ‘They made me feel like a liar and that I was saying horrible things about a lovely man, an upstanding member of society. I was cast as a nasty teenager … I was a typical teenager but they used that against me’.
Julienne did not get any support from her school, despite the fact that she had to give evidence just before she sat important exams.
She was assigned a social worker, but this person was not an expert in child sexual abuse and no help was offered to Julienne’s parents. Julienne says ‘It was like we were chewed up and spat out’.
Julienne was significantly affected by the abuse and the court case. For years after, Julienne says she felt that she was ‘spiralling out of control’. She distanced herself from her friends, and still finds relationships difficult. ‘It’s like I am on the outside looking in’ she says.
She has felt guilt, shame and self-hatred, and says she made poor choices. ‘I kept going for blokes who were horrible to me, like a moth to flame.’
Julienne suffered with low confidence and feelings of helplessness, but when she started work, she says this gave her stability and focus. She feels she has made genuine progress in recovering from the abuse she experienced, ‘so now it's not in control of everything I think and do’.
Recently, the police contacted Julienne because women have come forward and made allegations of non-recent sexual abuse against her father. He is facing a number of charges. Julienne is relieved about this. ‘Now people will know I was telling the truth, I really hope he won't be able to wiggle his way out of it this time’ she says.
However, because of her previous experiences in court, she does not want to take part in the case.
Julienne would like to see better support for children who have been sexually abused, particularly when they have to appear in court, and also for parents of children who have been abused. She says her mum was also badly affected by things said about her in court and she thinks there should be stricter guidance for barristers and judges about the comments and language they use.
Julienne emphasises how important it was for her that her mother and stepfather believed her disclosure. She has a good relationship with her children, enjoys exercise and says she focuses on the positive. She adds that she refuses to be stigmatised by the abuse.