Kirstie says ‘It’s not just somebody has done something to you; someone has taken something from you’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Kirstie was brought up as a Jehovah’s Witness and was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by her father.
She says the church is quick to ‘forgive’ abusers and upholds different standards for men and women.
Kirstie remembers the abuse began when she was a very young child, and it continued until she was 17. Her father would pretend to be playing games with her, but was in fact touching her sexually. Sometimes he got into bed with her. She would lie with her knees curled up against herself in an attempt to stop him.
She also saw him abusing her siblings, and one of them told her that their father had ‘taught’ them how to kiss. Kirstie says this caused her conflicting feelings that she still struggles to understand – she felt jealous because she wanted her father’s affection.
When Kirstie got engaged in her late teens, her father got in bed with her and said to her ‘this is what a real man feels like’.
Kirstie’s father was also violent towards her, and frequently punched her. She missed a lot of school and thinks this is probably because she often had bruises on her, but no one at school ever queried this.
She adds that she and her siblings were ‘picked on’ by other pupils and disliked by teachers because of their religion. ‘They didn’t care … teachers hated us … but you got used to it’. She did not trust anyone at school, and also felt that she could not get help from anyone in the church.
Kirstie explains that there was no point trying to tell anyone in the Jehovah’s Witnesses what her father was doing, because he would have been there while she was questioned and she would always be returned home with him.
She does not believe her mother knew what was happening, but adds that she never felt her mother liked her.
Kirstie believes that in the Jehovah’s Witness organisation, sexual abuse is ‘hidden, lied about and ingrained’. She thinks that it is ‘never about the victim’ and the attitude to perpetrators is to ‘forgive and allow them back into the church’.
When Kirstie did eventually leave the Jehovah’s Witnesses she was shunned. She has now lost her faith and says it ‘makes me feel sick what I accepted’.
She is still very affected by her experiences in the church and the abuse she suffered. She struggles with anxiety, depression and panic attacks.
She has had some counselling but because she finds it hard to leave her house, she has not progressed far with it.
She feels she is mentally young and naive, and says ‘I’m easy to take advantage of’. A few years ago she was raped after her drink was spiked, but she did not report it because she believed it was partly her fault.
Kirstie thinks the Jehovah’s Witnesses should be investigated and held accountable for their actions. She does not feel they should have charitable status.
She says that child protection policies, including those of faith organisations, should be easily available for all to see. She would also like more training for teachers on the signs and behaviours of children who are being sexually abused.
Although it is several decades since she was abused, Kirstie says ‘It still feels very new, and I hate that. I’m sad for the person I could have been ... I don’t want to be me’.