Leela’s parents told her that if she reported being sexually abused, she would end up in care
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Leela was sexually abused by her father.
She says this is the only time he showed her any kind of ‘affection’.
Leela thinks she was four years old the first time her father sexually abused her. He touched her and made her touch him.
She says ‘I remember thinking it was kind of strange but normal at the same time’. She adds that she felt uncomfortable but thought ‘it was what you had to do’. Her feelings were also conflicted by the fact that her father was often angry and violent, but not when he was abusing her.
Leela remembers being in bed with him when she was nine years old, and he told her that some relatives were coming to visit. He impressed on her that she must not tell them about the abuse.
She says this was the first real indicator for her that what he was doing was wrong. This was underlined the following year, when she had a sex education lesson at school.
When Leela was 11, the family moved abroad because of her parents’ careers. Miserable and missing her friends, Leela confided in a teacher about the abuse. Her mother was called in, and Leela was made to tell her in the school office.
She says her mother did not show her any compassion or concern.
After Leela’s disclosure, her father left the family and she moved back to the UK with her mother and siblings. Some time later, he came to visit, bringing Leela lots of presents.
Leela says that many members of her family did not believe her about the abuse; she thinks they were more concerned with stopping the information getting out, and they were willing to forgive him.
She felt very angry during this time, and was offered anger management classes, therapy and meetings with social workers, all of which she found unhelpful. She says that at one point she was so angry with her mother for not caring for her that she became violent towards her and the police were called.
Her parents told her to ‘say nothing and make conversation’. She did as she was told, but she did manage to tell the police about the abuse. Her parents then said that if she took it further, she would go into foster care which would be worse. They added that her grandfather might have a heart attack if he heard about it.
Supervised visits with her father and his family were arranged but no one explained to Leela how they came about, or why. She remembers understanding that there was not going to be a court case at the time because there was not enough evidence, but again, no one explained why or how this decision was made.
Leela still suffers with panic attacks, anxiety and struggles with anger, particularly towards her mother and the police. She has been homeless at times and has been involved in abusive relationships.
She feels strongly that children who have reported sexual abuse need to be informed about any action, or lack of action. She says it is wrong for them ‘to be left in the dark’.
Leela adds that it should never be assumed that a parent is a ’safe person’ to be present at interviews and that children must be allowed an opportunity to talk without their parents being there.
Leela feels she has ‘wasted so much time’. She wants justice and to take back some control. She realises that first she needs appropriate help to deal with the effects the abuse has had on her.