Leopold says ‘You don’t forget sexual abuse and you don’t get over it’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Leopold was an only child and his mother was a single parent.
‘I spent most of my childhood at boarding school, unfortunately’ he says.
Leopold was sent away to school in the 1970s because his mother thought that her nine-year-old son needed male role models in his life.
In reality, there was a cold and uncaring atmosphere at the school, presided over by a headmaster who Leopold describes as ‘a very strict and a very cruel man … very fond of corporal punishment’. He adds ‘I have no doubt every child was beaten at least once a year. He thought it was a huge joke’.
Leopold now realises that he would feel the headmaster’s erect penis against him when he was being beaten. At the time he didn’t understand what it was.
At bedtime, the school matron usually checked all the dormitories to see that the pupils were asleep, but sometimes the headmaster carried out this round. On several occasions, the teacher lifted Leopold out of bed and carried him, under his arm, to the toilet. There, he put his hand in Leopold’s pyjamas, took out his penis and held it while he urinated.
Leopold saw the teacher do the same thing to other children. ‘A lot of us boys would talk about it amongst ourselves’ he says.
When Leopold was 12 years old, he was sent to a different boarding school run by the local Roman Catholic diocese. Here he was sexually abused again by an adult member of staff. The abuse occurred several times a week for most of the two years Leopold attended the school.
The teacher threatened Leopold that if he did not comply, his mother would be made to pay full tuition fees for him. Leopold knew that his mother struggled financially, so he worried about this.
Leopold says that eventually he did tell his mother about the abuse ‘in a veiled way’. She spoke to Leopold’s housemaster who assured her that the school would investigate her allegation. No one at the school told Leopold’s mother what the outcome was, but he is sure that the police were not contacted and he believes the teacher left the school, having been ‘invited to resign’.
When he started school, Leopold was doing very well with his studies and was considered to be academically gifted, but being sexually abused affected his concentration and ability to study. ‘I became very introverted and unhappy. My schoolwork suffered a lot’ he says.
Leopold had wanted to study law, but his experiences meant that he passed very few exams and he was completely put off academic study.
He is still haunted by his experiences and he finds it very difficult to trust anyone or maintain relationships. He suffers from nightmares. He says ‘The trauma and the memory never goes away … today I am suspicious of anyone working with children. No one can be trusted’.
Leopold went to see a doctor in the 1980s because he felt concerned about his mental health. The doctor said ‘Unless there is something seriously wrong with you, don’t waste NHS time’. Leopold says ‘I have had no treatment, no help from anybody’.
He would like to see robust child protection policies rigorously implemented in all schools and he believes that teachers should be regularly vetted and assessed in regard to child safeguarding.
The schools where Leopold was sexually abused no longer exist and he says that the local Roman Catholic diocese relating to the second school refuse to take any responsibility for what happened.
Leopold says he feels that sharing his experience has given him some closure, but he adds ‘Total closure is something that I regret I may never find. You suffer in your young life, your life gets mucked up and you carry that burden forever’.