Lillian is concerned that much of the sexual abuse she suffered was not included when the abuser was charged
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
The teacher who sexually abused Lillian for five years was sent to prison.
She does not feel his sentence was long enough and she worries he will abuse again when he is released.
Lillian was sexually abused by a senior teacher at her primary school.
Mr Smith began grooming her when she was seven years old. She thinks he was in his 40s. He made her feel special by giving her ‘duties’ to do in his office, giving her presents and picking her for sports teams, even though she says she was not very good at games.
The sexual abuse started with him cuddling her and escalated to fondling her breast area and genitals, and then telling Lillian to touch him. This happened nearly every break and lunchtime in term time.
She says that as a child, she did not realise what the teacher was doing, and thought he was tickling her. ‘I didn’t know what it was … I just knew it felt weird.’ She remembers talking to him about her favourite music while he sexually abused her.
Lillian adds that Mr Smith was always openly ‘touchy feely’ with the children, and would often call different ones to his office.
She recalls one teacher walking in as Mr Smith was abusing her, and he quickly pushed Lillian away from him into a cabinet. But Lillian recalls ‘She just didn’t say anything’. She adds ‘There were two office ladies who saw me go to his room every day’.
The abuse ended when Lillian went to secondary school, although Mr Smith did stop her once on the way home from school and suggested they continued to meet.
Lillian remembers that day she had started to experiment with her hair and make-up, and she says ‘In a way, I wanted him to think I looked pretty … I don’t know why’. This memory distresses her and makes her feel guilty, although she understands she had been groomed and abused.
When she was in her mid teens, Lillian told her parents she had been sexually abused. Her mother discouraged her from reporting it because she was worried Lillian would not be believed. Her father was very angry and said he wanted to harm Mr Smith.
They did report the abuse to the police. Lillian says she felt reassured because the officer who led the case was nice and they believed her. ‘That meant a lot to me’ says Lillian. However, the investigation and the court case were a long and traumatic process for her.
She was disappointed that many episodes of the abuse she experienced were not included in the charges against Mr Smith. The Crown Prosecution Service made the decision on the basis of what they considered could be proved, but Lillian found this hard to accept.
Lillian was terrified when she gave evidence in court via video link. She was aggressively questioned by the defence barrister and asked if she was lying. ‘It was the first time I felt I wasn’t believed, it was a hard experience’ she says.
She felt embarrassed having to use detailed and graphic language to describe the abuse, and uncomfortable knowing that Mr Smith would have been observing all of this. She was actually in the court building when she gave evidence by video, and was warned there was a chance she might bump into him.
Mr Smith was sent to prison for sexually abusing Lillian and another child.
Lillian has had mental health issues for many years. She has difficulty sleeping, has self-harmed, and abused drugs and alcohol. She has been diagnosed with PTSD.
She has felt dirty and worthless, and been involved in abusive relationships. She believes the men concerned have picked up that she is vulnerable. ‘I don’t trust any man’ she says.
Lillian has had a very negative experience of mental health services as a young person, and says this is worse now that she is an adult. She feels she is constantly fighting to try and get her needs met and she has written to her MP.
She finds it hard to believe that other teachers at the school were not suspicious of Mr Smith and his behaviour, and was distressed that some of them gave him good character references, even though images of child sexual abuse were found on his computer.
Lillian does not feel that Mr Smith received a long enough sentence for what he did to her, and she worries that he may abuse other children when he is released.
She has considered seeking compensation for the abuse she suffered, but she doesn’t want to go through what she thinks will be another difficult legal process.
Lillian would like to see an improvement in the services offered to children and young people who have experienced sexual abuse and trauma. She would like schools to provide sex education at a much younger age so that children know what is appropriate and inappropriate.
She is determined to make positive changes in her life and she feels she is managing her mental health. She is going to college and engaging with local groups and services. She finds writing her thoughts and feelings down is a helpful way of coping with her anger and hurt.