Lowri says victims and survivors need to hear the message that abuse is not their fault
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Lowri was sexually abused by her stepfather.
He admitted he had done this, but her mother thought it was ‘not so bad’ because he had not raped her.
Lowri grew up in the 1970s. Her mum was a teenager when she gave birth to her.
Lowri’s father died when she was 10 years old. He had been a violent man who hit his family. Not long after he died, her mother met and married a man called Tony.
One school holiday, Lowri went upstairs to find Tony standing on the landing, ‘naked with his willy in his hand’. She ran into her room.
She remembers another incident when she was in bed and Tony had his hands all over her, and then put his hands down her pants. He told her later that she must have had a ‘bad dream’.
Another day when she was off school, he exposed himself to her. She ran downstairs crying and he followed her, saying ‘Come on, it's not something that you haven't seen before’. Lowri was 13 at the time.
After this incident, Tony drove to see her mum at work. Lowri realised later that he must have admitted that he had ‘done something’, because her mother threw him out of the house. Although she says that her mum was sympathetic, Tony told her that he didn’t rape Lowri. She says that for years, her mum used this distinction to imply that the abuse had not been so bad.
From comments her mum made, Lowri also thinks that Tony had told her mother the abuse was ‘what I had wanted’.
Lowri’s mum spoke to a GP and a couple of family friends about whether she should report the abuse to the police. They decided it would be upsetting for Lowri and that it was better to do nothing.
Over the next few months, Lowri says she became a ‘difficult teenager’. She and her mum went for counselling. They discussed the abuse, and the counsellor commented ‘Let’s hope this hasn’t put her off sex for life’. She also confided in a teacher about the abuse, but no one ever told her that it wasn’t her fault.
Lowri says that at this stage, she was ‘all screwed up’. She started getting drunk, smoking and having sex with lots of people, and putting herself in risky situations. She remembers feeling really angry.
Her school attendance became erratic, but she did pass some exams, then left home and found work in an office. She had a boyfriend who took a lot of drugs, and she joined in with this. But when he tried to force her into prostitution with an aquaintance of his, she refused, and eventually left him.
Lowri describes what was for her a ‘seismic moment’. She saw a group of women demonstrating about rape and realised for the first time that the abuse was not her fault. She says ‘It was a massive moment; an epiphany’.
She began gradually to turn her life around. She had a baby when she was 21, and this helped to improve her relationship with her mum. She went to university and built a good career.
She met a man who she says was the first man who had been nice to her and respected her. They have been married for 30 years and have children and grandchildren.
After a conversation at work about child protection, she decided she wanted to report the abuse she had suffered. Her family were supportive but her mum didn’t want her to, saying again ‘He didn't rape you’.
Lowri went to the police station the next day. She says she was very nervous but that they were ‘wonderful’, especially the initial reaction by the first officer she spoke to, which she says was really important.
They recorded an interview with her and referred her for support. After some time, the police told her they had tracked Tony down, that he had made a partial admission and he was going to give a statement. She felt alarmed and frightened by this and went to see her GP, who she says was very helpful.
Tony pleaded guilty in court and she says she gets some comfort from this.
Looking back now, she sees that she was very badly affected by growing up feeling she had no control to stop men abusing her – her violent father and her abusive stepfather. She also sees how she was made to feel responsible for the abuse and the guilt and shame she felt. Her mother still doesn’t want to talk about it, and often says things like ‘You were just a really bad teenager’.
Lowri said that all the services she has engaged with have been ‘amazing’. She says ‘One thing I held onto all the way through the investigation is that this was the right thing to do’.
She adds how fantastic her husband and children have been.