Margot knew the abuse by a teacher was wrong, but didn’t want to lose his support while she was grieving
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Margot was groomed and sexually abused by a teacher at her secondary school.
The abuse began when she was in her early teens and had recently suffered a major bereavement.
Margot describes how the tragic loss of a family member had a devastating effect on her and her parents.
To add to her troubles, someone she was close to at school was being bullied. She intervened and was then targeted by the bullies herself. One of her teachers, Mr Smith, saw what was happening, and dealt effectively with the problem.
Margot describes what a huge relief that was to her. She says ‘I thought he was marvellous, so kind’. She adds that she didn’t feel she had anyone to turn to for support because of the recent death in the family. ‘I was still traumatised by the loss … so was my whole family.’
After this incident at school, Mr Smith made a point of befriending Margot, praising her enthusiastically in class. He would find reasons to keep her in class after lessons and chat to her. ‘I was really lonely and couldn’t talk to anyone’ she says.
Margot explains that after the bereavement she had a feeling of being separated from other pupils in the school, and she understands how this made her vulnerable to Mr Smith’s attention.
They started going for walks and spending more time together. ‘All the girls fancied him and they were so jealous of me. I knew it wasn’t right but I couldn’t stop or I would be on my own again’ says Margot. ‘After the loss I felt I wasn’t like the other girls, I felt separate, it made me susceptible to him.’
She remembers going to a school disco wearing make-up for the first time and flirting with Mr Smith, and how grown up she felt. But at the same time, she says, she was aware of a change in the relationship as if ‘I’d flipped a switch I didn’t really understand’.
Mr Smith then offered Margot extra tuition and this sometimes took place in his home. On one occasion when she was alone with him, he offered her a glass of wine. ‘I now realise how inappropriate that was … to a 14 year old’ she says.
Margot doesn’t remember drinking the wine, but she describes ‘kissing and groping’ with the teacher. On a second occasion, she remembers being semi-naked while he masturbated against her. She didn’t completely understand what he was doing, but she remembers ‘freezing and not feeling anything. I knew it was all wrong’.
After this, Margot realised she had got ‘involved far too deep’ but she felt ‘obliged’ to keep meeting Mr Smith in order to keep the special attention and support he gave her. He regularly told her he would lose his job if she told anyone, and she never did.
The abuse stopped the following summer when Margot started seeing a boy who was a couple of years older, who she really liked. She told Mr Smith she didn’t want to see him any more.
She says she now understands how the relationship changed and damaged her. It has affected her sexual relationships throughout her life and she has entered into several unsuitable situations and relationships.
For many years, Margot has been plagued with feelings of guilt that she was responsible for the abuse. She has very low self-worth and finds it hard to accept any positive comments about herself. ‘I can’t believe people when they compliment me.’ She thinks this is possibly because of the excessive praise Mr Smith gave her.
Margot has been diagnosed with PTSD and has had counselling, but says ‘I still feel stupid and that it was my fault’. She adds that she sees sharing her experience with the Truth Project ‘as part of working it out’.
Looking back at her time in school, Margot can’t see that there was any safeguarding in place. She thinks her ‘relationship’ with Mr Smith was visible to many people and she emphasises the need for vigilance, especially over any unsupervised meetings between teachers and pupils.
Margot would also like to see good support in school for bereaved children and improved connections between school and family.
She says she felt uncertain about whether she could face sharing her experience, but that she has had fantastic support from colleagues at work.