Mila’s childhood experiences of abuse led to her seeking out more people who abused her
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Mila endured neglect, lack of love and sexual abuse throughout her childhood.
Her experiences left her feeling that she did not deserve to be treated well. ‘I didn’t understand love’ she says.
Mila was placed in care when she was two years old, because her mother could not look after her. She says ‘I ended up in a children’s home which was very old-fashioned, very basic and very controlled’.
The children were emotionally and physically abused. Even the very young ones were punished for not being able to perform tasks such as tying their shoelaces.
Mila had hardly any possessions and there are no photos or mementos of her childhood.
After several placements, Mila was sent to live with a foster mother who was in her early 20s. Mila says ‘She ended up with a very damaged little girl she didn’t know what to do with. I don’t ever remember being hugged or held by her’.
Mila used to rock back and forth violently and the foster mother’s way of dealing with that was to throw water at her. She adds ‘I often went to school with bruises where I’d hit my head on the wall’.
She would sometimes talk to the neighbours over the garden fence and she started going to visit them in their house. She says ‘The lady was really nice … she would talk to me; she was interested in what I was doing’.
But the couple had an older son who sexually abused Mila. He threatened her that if she didn’t comply, she would not be able to see his mum.
Mila says ‘I took myself to that house because I needed her, but to have her, I had to have him’.
After some time the lady next door became seriously ill and had to go for regular medical treatment. The son would trick Mila into going round to the house to see his mum, when in fact she wasn’t there.
On these occasions when the house was empty, the abuse was worse and he was sometimes quite violent with Mila. One day she went home with blood trickling down her legs. She couldn’t tell anyone what had happened and she went to the bathroom and washed herself.
Mila developed an eating disorder, she was self-harming and still rocking violently, going to school with bruises. She was bullied at school. When she was 13 years old, she thought she might be pregnant. She told a teacher and now knows that the school met with her foster parents, but no one talked to her about it.
Throughout her teenage years and into her 20s, Mila was sexually abused by more people. She describes feeling completely powerless to do anything to stop them. She says ‘It kept happening … you think that’s all you’re good for’.
When she was 15, Mila asked to be moved from her foster family. She didn’t want social services to place her with another family but they did, and the husband started abusing her. She told a youth club leader what was happening and this person spoke to the abuser and his wife. They called social services who came and took Mila away from the house.
When Mila was 18, she met someone who she says was kind and gentle and she grew to love him deeply. However, she eventually told him to leave her because she couldn’t have an intimate relationship with him. ‘I didn’t understand love, I couldn’t let myself be hugged’ she says. ‘I sought relationships with horrible neglectful abusive people. I’d rather be beaten up and treated badly.’
Mila’s mental health worsened. She describes feeling that she wanted to make herself as unattractive as possible and harm the female parts of her body. She attempted to take her own life and had psychiatric treatment for two years.
Mila still suffers with several life-changing impacts from the abuse she suffered. She has internal damage as a result of rape when she was young. She also has a condition which means she has to have invasive procedures, and this has triggered flashbacks of the abuse and led to PTSD.
She finds it impossible to trust people, she has insomnia and lives with the constant feeling of being under threat. She still rocks, and suffers with an eating disorder. She has never reported any of the abuse she endured because she feels guilty and ashamed.
Mila says ‘As an adult I’ve looked back and seen so many opportunities that were missed by many different people in education, the medical profession and social care’.
She feels very strongly that when social workers visit children they should take the time to have a one-to-one discussion with the child. Children should be reassured that any issues relating to abuse are not their fault. She adds that it is very important to give children information about decisions that relate to them and some control over decisions that affect them.
Mila would also like to see more compassionate services for people with eating disorders.
She is concerned that reporting child sexual abuse can be as traumatising as the abuse itself. She says children should be believed, but if it does turn out they have told lies, this should be investigated as something is clearly wrong.
Mila went to university when she was in her 30s and began a career with looked-after children, but she has difficulty working because of her mental health.
She is in a loving relationship with someone who accepts that it is platonic, but she cannot let her partner even hold her or comfort her.