Otto says it feels strange to report abuse from decades ago … ‘it feels like you should be ok now’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Otto was raped and sexually abused by his father for five years.
He was seen by medical professionals but, he says, the culture of the 1960s was ‘somehow tolerant of abuse’ and no one helped him.
Otto describes his upbringing as working class. He explains that his mother suffered from depression and that although he was well fed and dressed, she did not show him any affection.
His father began sexually abusing him – this included rape – when he was five years old. Otto explains that he has always loved his father, and because his father did seem to care for him, the abuse caused him even more turmoil.
Otto knows that he has blanked out a lot of his memories, but he suspects from some of his recollections that a neighbour may have joined in with his father in abusing him.
He experienced further horror when he was about 10 years old, when he was out playing and was set on by a group of homeless men and raped. He tried to tell his mother what had happened but she ignored him.
Otto remembers that in primary school he was an extremely anxious child who ‘tried to be invisible’. At that time, he says, children were expected to be ‘seen and not heard’, and teachers controlled them with fear and humiliation. ‘There was no kindness’, he says and certainly no one showed any concern about the fact he was so quiet.
When he was around the age of nine, he developed severe pains around his body and had episodes of uncontrollable screaming. His doctor sent him for tests, and then decided that Otto’s symptoms were in his mind and referred him to a child psychiatrist.
He remembers feeling sure that the psychiatrist didn’t like him; he says he appeared judgmental and showed no empathy towards Otto. After a while, he discharged Otto with advice to eat his favourite food to make him feel better.
He recently accessed his records, and read that the psychiatrist simply described him as ‘peculiarly violent’.
The lasting effects on Otto of the sexual abuse are considerable. He abused alcohol for a few years, and he suffers from disturbing flashbacks and other mental health problems.
He explains that for a long time he has only been able to manage working for a year or two at a time, so he saves up enough money to support himself when he needs to take time off work to ‘collapse’. This has damaged his career and his pension.
Otto would like to see much greater understanding in the community and the relevant services of the particular difficulties of being sexually abused by a family member. He says ‘When it happens at the family home, it is like the enemy is within’.
He also thinks there should be more services for male victims. He would like to see increased awareness and education for professionals about reporting abuse that happened in the past, and the impact of speaking out and recovering memories.
He adds that because he is seen as ‘a well put together man’, it is hard to get help and support. He says ‘Just because you present well, does not mean you are well’.