Paul

Paul had no recollection of the abuse he suffered as a very young child until he was in his late 30s. At that stage he had some psychotic episodes. His memory is now very fragmented.

He has been dealing with these issues for many years. Now he has disclosed them and received help he wants to ‘put things on the record’.

He describes growing up in a very violent home and witnessing extreme violence towards his older brother by his mother. He recalls one occasion when his brother was ‘nearly killed’ and that he was later ‘versed in a cover story to account for what had happened’.

Paul was sexually abused by his mother. On a number of occasions, she made him act out a scene involving two characters, a young female and a young male. His mother would insist on Paul taking the role of the young female while she took on the character of the young male. He relates how the scene was acted out repeatedly so that he became wordperfect in a set dialogue.

His mother would make him hold out an imaginary skirt, call him over to her and would manoeuvre him into a position where penetration took place. During these episodes his mother would pull her own skirt up over her head and say ‘Oh grandfather, don’t, don’t’. Paul explains that his mother was sexually abused by her grandfather.

Paul describes another memory of being in an uncarpeted building with other children and adults and standing in a ring. He remembered the children being naked and an occasion when he could recall feeling very shocked. He says he has no clear conscious memory of this incident but feels that it caused him serious trauma. He feels the group of adults around his mother was involved in child sexual abuse but has no specific memories of this.

The abuse ended when he and his brother reached an age when they were able to describe what was happening to them. He assumes that his mother stopped the abuse for fear that Paul or his brother would speak out.

Paul says the abuse has impacted on him through psychotic episodes, suicide attempts, dissociation and dysphoria. He was diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality disorder and describes difficulties in sustaining relationships.

He considers that people who suspect abuse should be more willing to speak out, and that survivors of sexual abuse should be able to access therapy without a formal diagnosis. He adds that schools should be more vigilant and pick up on challenging behaviour, questioning the causes.