Ralph experiences flashbacks but does not want to remember exact details of his abuse
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Ralph was a small child when his parents enrolled him in an independent school run by a Catholic religious order.
He has very few memories from the time when he was at the school, but a few years ago he began to experience flashbacks. When all the media coverage of the Jimmy Savile abuse scandal appeared, he decided to write to the school. His letter was passed to the religious order’s headquarters, and shortly after he received an ‘apology’.
He describes how the flashbacks take him back to sadistic incidents in the school. One of the staff, Brother Alfred, took him to a shed. The brother would sit Ralph in between his legs, then make Ralph watch him carry out sadistic acts.
Ralph cannot remember whether other things happened to him and says he does not want to remember, but what he can remember was of a sadistic nature.
Recently he underwent hypnotherapy, which he believed could aid his recovery. He says this was a harrowing experience – he was fighting to get up from the chair and can remember clearly the feeling of a hand on the back of his neck. Ralph says he has always had a fear and fascination of men’s hands but is not sure why. He does not like people to touch him and is very reclusive, other than in his work.
Not long after he received the ‘apology’, his former school was mentioned in a local news programme as part of a report on an investigation of historic sexual abuse at the school. Ralph contacted the police force investigating the case and was interviewed. The officer in charge recommended counselling, which he did through a local charity and by self-funding. He wrote to the order’s headquarters abroad to say that he was having counselling and a reply came back offering to pay a few hundred pounds towards it.
Ralph wrote to the Vatican about his experience. He received an apology and was advised to go back to the religious order and tell them how much he wanted as compensation. He did this but did not specify an amount.
He received a letter back stating that they were not in a position to offer more than a specified amount, and only on the basis that they did not accept liability. The letter said that if he did not accept the offer, he should contact lawyers and the offer would be withdrawn.
Ralph was never interested in the compensation – he just wanted an apology directly from the order and not an apology through lawyers. Ralph never received an apology or compensation.