Ray struggles to cope with flashbacks of sexual abuse
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Ray describes having had a difficult life. He has had to cope with mental health issues which have continued since childhood.
In recent years, he was visited by a friend who mentioned their time together in the Cub Scouts. This triggered flashback episodes for Ray, with fragmented memories of sexual abuse.
Ray described how the memories were very real and that he could also ‘feel them’. He experienced a great deal of anxiety trying to make sense of them – the sound of doors opening and closing caused him particular distress.
He recalls being taken from a tent while on a Cub camping trip by a woman who sexually abused him. He was then anally raped by an unknown man. He remembers being told that he would go to hell if he told anyone, and that this was very traumatic as he came from a very religious background.
Ray has spoken to his family about the memories of abuse, but his mother in particular has struggled with the issue. The Cub Scouts group was connected with the church, and Ray thinks his family don’t want to believe that anyone associated with the church could do such a thing.
When Ray was in a mental health hospital he told the staff about the flashbacks but says they paid little attention to him. As he was having difficulties following the breakdown of a long-standing relationship he was concerned that people thought he was looking for attention. He says he wishes in some ways that it was all a lie and then it would go away, but he is sure that the memories are real.
Ray recently came across the report of a criminal trial involving a priest who worked at the same Cub Scout group and camps that he attended. The priest was charged with abusing other children but has subsequently died. Ray thinks that this could have been the person who abused him.
He says his parents and friends have been very supportive in relation to his mental health problems and he has received some support from a specialist organisation that works with people who have experienced child sexual abuse and trauma. He is receiving medical treatment but says the effects of the medication can be very unsettling.
He feels very angry about the issue of child sexual abuse and cannot understand ‘how anyone can act like that’. Ray feels ‘the abuse has been trapped inside him for years’.
Ray is now married but he worries about having his own family and how he will cope or react with them. He has found a great deal of satisfaction helping people in need and this has become an important part of his life. He has obtained qualifications in social care and enjoys the work but struggles with the shift patterns and working hours.
He says he tries to forgive and forget so he can move on. He believes that bad people will get their punishment in hell and that he needs to put it behind him. Ray has said that he needs to be believed and wants to make sure that he, and others, aren’t seen as liars or attention seekers.