When Rosy disclosed sexual abuse to a police officer, she was asked ‘What were you wearing?’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Rosy felt she was to blame for being sexually abused because of the initial reaction of the policewoman she told.
She feels strongly that professionals should choose their words very carefully to avoid seeming to blame victims and survivors of abuse.
Rosy grew up in the 1980s and 90s. Her dad worked away a lot and when Rosy’s mum was at work, and during school holidays, Rosy was looked after by her aunt.
The sexual abuse she suffered started when she was very small. ‘I can remember it like it was yesterday.’ The perpetrator was a male relative who lived with the aunt. He was in his 70s at the time.
The abuse happened nearly every time Rosy went to her aunt. ‘It went on for years – 11 years’ she says.
The abuser would tell Rosy to open her legs and he would stare up her skirt. Then he would touch her or make her ‘do things’ to him. ‘I never knew it was wrong, I didn’t know anything different really’ she says.
One day her aunt walked in and asked him ‘What are you doing?’ Rosy tried to answer but he spoke over her and made up a story to cover up what he was doing. Rosy regrets not saying something then.
She says that as she reached puberty the abuse became worse. The abuser kept offering to look after Rosy and he was always buying her presents. ‘But again’ she says ‘I just thought what he was doing was normal … I know it sounds ridiculous but I thought he was my boyfriend … it was someone giving me a bit of affection and love’.
In her final year at primary school, Rosy had a sex education class and she began to realise that what the relative was doing was wrong.
Soon after this, during the summer holiday, Rosy went to the police station. She was taken into a room with a female officer and Rosy told her that her relative had been touching her.
Rosy relates ‘The first thing she asked was “What were you wearing?”’ She continues ‘I had been wearing a skirt and a jumper. I just panicked, I thought it was my fault because of what I was wearing’. She ran out of the police station.
Six months later, at high school, Rosy told a teacher, who she describes as ‘lovely’. The teacher called her mum into school, who said she would ‘sort it’. Rosy later found out that her mum sent another male relative to see the abuser and tell him ‘not to do it again’.
Rosy adds ‘But she still left me in his care … he still carried on and I kept it bottled in’. Her mother did not ask her about the abuse again. Sometimes the abuser told Rosy that if she said anything more about what he was doing, he would hurt her sibling.
By this time, Rosy understood enough to be terrified that she might get pregnant.
Several years later, Rosy bumped into the policewoman she had spoken to before, who asked her how things were. Rosy told her she was still being sexually abused. The police officer contacted social services who placed Rosy under a child protection order. She was interviewed by the police and a doctor.
The abuser was arrested and charged. He admitted some abuse but was not charged with rape. He received a fine. Rosy was very distressed at this, and felt she hadn’t been believed. Rosy’s mother said the stress was making her ill, and ‘brushed it under the carpet’.
Rosy was never involved in any of the discussions about social services or the police investigations. She was referred for counselling but her mother kept quizzing her and challenging her about what she said in her sessions.
Rosy developed an eating disorder and started self-harming. She has suffered with low self-esteem and confidence. She says ‘Certain smells can take me right back into that living room’. She will never go out with her husband because she doesn’t want to leave her children with anyone else.
Looking back on her experience with the police, Rosy feels let down by the reaction of the female officer when she first reported the abuse. She says there should be police training on how to respond to a disclosure, and on the possible impact of saying things that could be seen to be blaming the victim.
Rosy also thinks she should have been better informed and given more say and control during the investigation. She says ‘There was nobody for me’. She used to call Childline while the investigation was going on.
Rosy says she grew up hating herself, until recently she thought ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ She describes her husband as ‘my rock’ and says she thinks it is only because of him that she didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol.