Rufus says ‘It still confuses me how he did it, but he managed to get complete control of me’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Rufus was groomed and sexually abused by a youth leader.
Terrified of the man, but also enthralled by him, Rufus says ‘I’d do anything he asked’.
Rufus grew up in the 1960s and 70s. He describes his mother as ‘cold’ and adds that although his father was kind, he was always preoccupied with his work.
When he was about 11 years old, Rufus joined the Cadets. One of the leaders of the Cadets was a man called Gary, who groomed Rufus and several other boys for sexual abuse.
’Maybe I was looking for a male figure in my life’ Rufus says. ‘I thought he was a really nice guy… when he gave me attention it was a real buzz.’
Gary would arrange for some of the boys to stay overnight on the Cadet premises. There were other adult leaders in the Cadets, but Gary was the only one who ever stayed overnight on the premises. Rufus says of the other adult leaders, ‘I know they knew what was going on – they would make crude jokes about it’.
Gary would take the boys to the pub, buy them alcoholic drinks and allow them to smoke in front of him. Rufus says there was an ‘inner circle’ within the Cadets of boys who were close to Gary, and they competed to be close to him and stay in his room.
He continues ‘When I finally got to stay overnight, he got me to perform oral sex. He said it’s what mates do for each other if you can’t get a girlfriend. I was so desperate to be in his favour I volunteered’.
Gary sexually abused Rufus in this way multiple times; sometimes with other boys. Rufus thinks he may have been abused in other ways, but he says ‘I’ve spent most of my life trying not to think about it, so a lot of the details are foggy’.
The abuse ended when a boy told other children at school what Gary was doing to Rufus. As a result, Rufus was bullied and called homophobic names. He is sure some of the teachers overheard this, but no one asked him about it.
When Rufus was in his 30s, he decided to report Gary to the police. He was satisfied with the way they handled the case. They arrested Gary and traced some more victims and survivors, but none of them wanted to be involved and the case collapsed.
Another family member told Rufus’ parents and he says the way they reacted is one of the factors that stops people disclosing abuse – they questioned why he didn’t ‘fight back’ or speak out about it.
Rufus comments ‘The effects of the abuse have invaded every aspect of my life’.
During the time Rufus was being abused, he smoked, inhaled solvents and would get very drunk.
He feels scared of men, except gay men, and at times has been confused about his sexuality. He has attempted suicide and says that in the past, he let his children down.
However, he still feels angry and this upsets him. Rufus shares his struggle to have ‘rage inside you when you’re not an aggressive person … I like to think of myself as kind and compassionate’.
He feels very concerned about societal attitudes to sex. ‘There are really weird double standards with sex and sexuality … sexualisation of young people is quite disturbing’ he says, adding that as a father he has felt concerned for his children’s safety.
Rufus says he would like to think that these are ‘more enlightened times’ but in the 1970s no one used words like ‘paedophile’ or ‘safeguarding’. He adds ‘Children need to be made aware of the less obvious dangers of grooming. If I’d been taught about inappropriate touching perhaps I would have understood what was going on, but my belief back then was that it was my fault and I was disgusting’.
He would like the Government to invest in resources for child protection so they are not dependent on charity. He is also concerned about politicians who are quick to denigrate underfunded social services for their failings, because this undermines people’s trust in services.
Rufus says he feels lucky to be married to ‘a lovely woman’. He has been free of drugs and alcohol for several years and has built a good relationship with his children.