The man who abused Sami-Jo is out of prison, and she is scared every day that she might see him
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
For about a year, when Sami-Jo was in her mid-teens, she was sexually abused by her mother’s fiance.
She found some aspects of the investigation and court processes extremely harrowing and has suggestions to improve these processes for the benefit of victims and survivors.
Sami-Jo froze ‘in total shock’ when her mother’s fiance first sexually abused her. She was 15 years old, and initially she didn’t realise that he was deliberately touching her.
But over the following year, he touched her more often, until the abuse was occurring every day. It escalated over time from touching to being more forceful, and included oral sex.
Sami-Jo’s mother was an alcoholic and would often go to bed early and fall asleep. This gave the abuser more opportunities to sexually abuse Sami-Jo, either downstairs or in her bedroom.
Sami-Jo didn’t feel she had the power to say ‘no’. She tried avoiding him, and physically fighting him off, but this did not stop him. She says ‘I knew I didn’t have a choice in what was happening to me, but I still feel it might be my fault because I didn’t say no’.
Sami-Jo did not think anyone would believe her if she told them what was happening, but after many months she did tell a friend at school. She says she really wanted her friend to report the abuse on her behalf, but she thinks her friend didn’t because she didn’t want to betray Sami-Jo’s trust.
Her friend did try to persuade Sami-Jo to tell her mother, but she was too afraid that she wouldn’t be believed or that her mother would choose her fiance over her daughter.
One day, Sami-Jo called an abuse helpline, but the call handler said ‘So you believe your mother’s fiance is sexually abusing you?’ Sami-Jo says ‘This made me feel she didn’t believe me and no one else was ever going to believe me’.
When she finally plucked up the courage to tell her mother, her mother did believe her. They packed their bags and went to stay with a friend. When Sami-Jo’s mother confronted her fiance, he admitted the abuse.
After a few months, Sami-Jo’s mother reported her ex-fiance to the police. Sami-Jo was sent to see a school counsellor but found it difficult talking about what had happened. After a while the counsellor said that the court would want to see her notes, and would not believe Sami-Jo if she didn’t talk to her.
A visit from a female police officer was a much better experience for Sami-Jo. The officer sat on the floor to talk to her. She says ‘That small act made me feel she wasn’t some authority figure there to judge me. She made me genuinely feel it wasn’t my fault; I’d like to thank her’.
Sami-Jo found giving a video statement to other officers much harder. It took hours. She says that she understands why they had to ask so many questions, but it was very difficult for her.
By the time the case got to court, Sami-Jo was 18. The abuser was found guilty, but only served a short sentence. No one contacted Sami-Jo when he was released. She says ‘I wish someone had come to tell me what was going to happen, to check how I was coping and offer me support’.
Several years later, Sami-Jo still lives in fear of bumping into the abuser every day. She says ‘I understand I can’t know his address, but I wish I could know the nearest big town so I could avoid the area’.
She also suffers from extreme claustrophobia, and is terrified at the thought of gynaecological examinations. She finds it hard to form relationships and is unable to have sex because of its association with abuse. She says ‘I thought things would get easier as time goes on, but it just gets harder’.
Sami-Jo would like to see changes made to aspects of the criminal justice system. She would like victims and survivors to be told when perpetrators are released from prison, and be able to take steps to avoid bumping into them by being told the general location they are living in.
She would like to see more support offered to victims and survivors during investigations and court cases, and thinks that the language used in court should be more ‘everyday’.