Shona says of her father ‘I still get that sick feeling … if I see someone who looks like him’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Shona’s father was in the army. He sexually abused her and was also physically and emotionally abusive to her.
After she left home, he stalked her.
Shona cannot remember exactly when the sexual abuse began, but she knows she was always frightened of her father and was never comfortable with him touching her.
She recalls that when she was just a teenager, he made her watch pornography with him. He would frequently enter her bedroom and masturbate in the corner, and touch her while she was in bed. On one occasion when he tried to penetrate her, she called the dog to help protect her and her father backed off.
Shona dreaded going upstairs. She says the only way she could cope with the abuse was to think of herself ‘living in a different world’.
Her father would often search her room, steal her underwear and blame her sibling. He was violent every day. She says her mother knew this and saw her husband grabbing Shona by the throat and lifting her feet off the floor. Her mother said she was afraid of him, but Shona still does not understand why her mother did not protect her.
When she was in her mid teens, she discovered a video camera that her father had installed in her room. But her mother blamed Shona and said she was the problem.
The next day, Shona left the house while her family were out and went to stay with a friend. She got a room, took on several jobs, went to college and learned to drive. She says she was ‘determined never to be trapped again’.
At the age of 21, Shona’s mother came to see her. She later left her husband and moved in with Shona, but left when her husband found out where she was.
After this, Shona’s father began stalking his daughter. Shona relates how he would stand in the back garden watching her making dinner and he kept trying to get into her house. He slashed the tyres on her car and covered it in rubbish. She says ‘I was trapped again’.
Shona reported her father to the police for sexually abusing her but he was not prosecuted.
She tried to get counselling, but this was not helpful as she had to keep changing services due to closures. With no support she had suicidal thoughts.
Shona says she feels the abuse has caused relationship difficulties for her; she chooses controlling men and she feels apprehensive about starting a family.
Working hard has helped her cope and she is successful in her career. She has some contact with her mother, but is closer to members of her extended family.
Shona believes that counselling should be readily available to children who have suffered abuse and that more support should be given once a disclosure is made to the police, regardless of whether an investigation or prosecution follows.