Stefan says ‘The headmaster was the most powerful person in my world and he did nothing’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
For years, Stefan felt more angry with the headmaster who covered up sexual abuse in his school than he did with the people who abused him.
He now volunteers with an organisation that supports male victims and survivors of sexual abuse.
Stefan describes an isolated childhood. His only sibling was a lot older than him and he grew up in a small village with no other children his age.
He went to boarding school when he was 12 years old. He says ‘The abuse started almost straight away’. It was mainly orchestrated by two older pupils, Jack and Jon, with Jack grooming the vulnerable boys and Jon abusing them. Stefan says he thinks his naivety was ‘like a beacon on top of my head’.
Stefan remembers being lured to an outhouse with the promise of cigarettes. Other boys were there being abused. He knew he didn’t want to be a part of it but the exit was blocked and he was too small to force his way out.
He says most pupils and one or two of the teachers seemed to be aware of the group of boys engaging in this behaviour. Jon abused Stefan nearly every day for about 18 months. Stefan would comply because he was frightened of being beaten.
The abuse occurred in the school grounds and also on a camping trip. Jon forced Stefan to perform oral sex on him and other boys, and one adult who may have been a teacher. Stefan says this was preferable to being anally raped.
Another teacher would take Stefan to his bedroom and sexually abuse him, then make him kneel and pray for forgiveness.
It was a small school and Stefan says ‘it had an atmosphere of oppression’. There were widespread rumours about abuse, particularly by Jack and Jon. He adds that ‘it wasn’t unusual for teachers to enter the dormitories at night for a moment and leave, and for a boy to leave a few minutes later and be gone for a long time’.
Stefan told the headmaster about the abuse. The older boys denied everything and Stefan was caned for ‘spreading rumours’. He says ‘that really just gave them permission to carry on’.
He says some of the teachers at the school were very nice but he felt unable to approach them about what was happening after the headmaster’s response to his report.
For the same reason, Stefan never told his parents about the abuse. They did notice that his behaviour became ‘unruly’, he got into trouble and ran away a few times, but nobody queried why and he was often caned.
Stefan says ‘I hate the headmaster more than anyone … he was the most powerful person in my world at the time, and because he did nothing – I couldn’t even tell my parents’.
As an adult, Stefan has suffered with bouts of depression and has struggled to control his temper. He once lost a job because he was violent towards a colleague. He used to have anonymous sex with strangers. ‘I really didn’t know who I was, what I was’ he says.
More than 30 years after the abuse ended, he told his wife about it after a high-profile case of abuse was reported in the media.
He had two years of intensive counselling and is now more open about the abuse with friends and colleagues, but he has never reported it to the police.
He emphasises the importance of sex education, provided in an age-appropriate way, and says it is vital that children feel able to talk to their parents about sex. The fact that people never discussed the topic meant that he knew nothing about it as a child.
Stefan believes that the headmaster could have stopped the abuse and that headteachers set the culture of their school. He adds ‘A very controlled environment does not necessarily mean you are protected’.
Stefan now volunteers at a counselling organisation giving support to male survivors, and works with a therapist providing group therapy. He has previously been involved in running an online forum for male survivors.