Stella

Stella says she loved and admired her mother but describes her as emotionally unstable. She was a difficult parent who referred to her daughter as ‘unexpected – a little mistake’. 

Her lack of confidence because of her treatment at home, and her politeness, made her vulnerable to abuse.

Stella remembers how sad she felt when her brother went away to school, until her own school became ‘a great escape’ for her. She fitted in well and made a good friend, often staying the night at her house.  

Her friend’s family employed a man, Mr B, who sexually abused Stella. He would put his hands in her pants and repeatedly tell her she liked it. Stella says she was an extremely polite child and was too embarrassed to say anything.

On one occasion Mr B sexually abused her in a different way. Stella doesn’t remember much about it, except that she knew she could never tell anyone. Her mother collected her and took her home but they didn’t talk about what happened.

Mr B also paid a lot of attention to her friend and Stella feels sure she was abused by him as well.

A few years later she heard Mr B had been fired by the family and then committed suicide. She is unsure whether this was true. 

When she was in her mid teens, Stella’s father died and her mother’s behaviour became more difficult. Unable to cope with Stella, she ‘farmed her out’. Stella was sent abroad on holiday and was inappropriately touched by a man in front of other people in a bar.

Again, her polite manners made her incapable of challenging this behaviour. She froze, not knowing what to do.

Instead of coming to her defence, the people in charge of the holiday told her off for ‘disgusting behaviour’. She says she didn’t have the words to express how unfair it was to be blamed for being abused by a lecherous man. 

On two occasions as a teenager Stella was the victim of attempted rape. She had to fight the rapists off. She says she has wondered if she was to blame.

Stella went to college where she made great friends but at times was very unhappy. She had student counselling which made her begin to understand more about the things that had happened to her. She understood that her mother had been cruel to her and she had been vulnerable to further abuse. 

Stella has experienced alcohol problems and been in several abusive relationships. She achieved success in her career but says she ‘cracked up’ as an adult. 

She feels very strongly that she was let down by the mental health system and she is outraged at the way people are given inaccurate and unhelpful labels, such as ‘difficult’. She says ‘Labelling a person with a disorder makes that person feel they are the problem’. 

Stella believes language around mental health has to change and adds ‘It’s diminishing, going through that system’.

Now, Stella says, her life is really good. She is a survivor and she feels proud of that.