Tamsin was sexually abused by a man who groomed her and her parents to alienate them from each other
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Larry was the choirmaster at Tamsin’s church. He sexually abused her but convinced Tamsin that she was having a ‘normal’ relationship with him.
She was in her early teens – he was in his late 30s and married.
Larry befriended Tamsin and her best friend. They went to his house and had sleepovers there. Tamsin relates how Larry normalised conversations about sex, for example talking about the removal of pubic hair. He started hugging her and rubbing up against her.
She comments that Larry ‘made it all seem so normal’. He led her to believe that they were having a relationship and that it was his role to ‘educate’ her. He emphasised that she wasn’t to say anything as ‘other people wouldn’t understand’.
Larry would drive around and get Tamsin to undress in the car while he was driving, then stop and sexually abuse her in lay-bys.
The abuse went on for about a year. During that time Larry tried to alienate Tamsin from her parents by lying to them about her using their credit card, to make them believe they couldn’t trust their daughter.
Tamsin says she now realises this was classic grooming behaviour and that in fact Larry had been grooming the whole family.
After she spoke to a youth worker about the abuse, she ended her involvement with Larry.
Tamsin’s friend subsequently told her social worker what had happened to Tamsin, and the social worker persuaded Tamsin to tell her parents.
A court case followed that Tamsin describes as ‘horrendous’. She had a victim support worker but remembers that she didn’t really understand what was happening. She recalls that when she gave evidence, the screen to hide her from her abuser wasn’t high enough at first and had to be adjusted.
Larry subpoenaed Tamsin’s family friends to give him character references, which meant they were not able to support her in court. After several days in court, he was acquitted.
Tamsin says that when the abuse became public knowledge, the church community was split with most people believing Larry. He claimed that Tamsin was manipulative and had made everything up. The vicar took his side.
It seemed to Tamsin that Larry was surrounded by people who supported and believed him, while she and her family were largely ignored and not believed.
Tamsin feels there needs to be greater understanding of the way organisations try to protect their reputations. She thinks there should be Disclosure and Barring Service ( DBS) checks on choir masters and other church employees, and more training about child sexual abuse.
She finds it hard to believe that no one was concerned about Larry’s relationship with her. If someone had said something, she says, it could have protected her from being abused.