Theodore says his early experiences gave him a ‘skewed view of relationships and what was normal’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Theodore was born in the 1950s. During his childhood and teenage years he was subjected to a catalogue of sexual abuse by several different perpetrators.
At the time, he believed he was responsible. He still struggles with this feeling today, but he understands that his abusive childhood made him vulnerable.
Theodore was about four or five years old when his father began to sexually abuse him. He remembers that he started bed-wetting around this time, and this continued until he was in his 20s.
Over the next eight or nine years, he was subjected to more sexual and physical abuse, including rape, by older boys and adults in the neighbourhood. He remembers the abusers making comments such as ‘I won’t tell what you’re doing’ and this gave him a sense of responsibility and guilt for what was happening.
Sexual abuse was such a common occurrence in Theodore’s childhood that he classifies some of his experiences as ‘minor’, but one particular episode stands out for him.
When he was 12, he made friends with a girl at his school, and he sometimes stayed overnight at her house. The family lived over their business premises.
He remembers her father, Eric, as ‘suave’, but adds that he had a bad temper. On one occasion Theodore went to see his friend to find that she and her mother were not there.
Eric gave Theodore alcohol and sexually abused him. Theodore wanted to go home afterwards but remembers being frightened of the dogs that were blocking his exit downstairs.
The following day the business remained closed. Theodore describes how he felt ‘sick, worried, frightened, confused’, but Eric acted as if nothing had happened. During the day, Eric’s friends arrived at the premises.
Theodore was sexually abused again, but allowed to leave that evening. He remembers walking the streets, feeling that he ‘didn’t want to go home … didn’t know what to say’.
Later, his parents discovered what had happened. His father beat Theodore ‘for my part in my own abuse’, then went to see Eric. Theodore does not know what happened; it was never spoken of again or reported to the police but Eric left the business shortly afterwards.
The serial sexual abuse that Theodore endured during his childhood had many devastating consequences for him. His could not pay attention at school and his behaviour worsened until he was expelled. He barely attended his next school.
He talks of a lost career and lost friendships, and of being continually fearful, particularly of authority figures.
He has lived with severe mental health issues, including anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. He has used alcohol to try to deal with his feelings, but is now in recovery.
At one stage in his life, Theodore had sex with strangers for money. He has never had a partner and finds all relationships difficult. He adds that he is ‘happy in the identity of a gay man but not with my sexuality’.
Theodore reported his abuse to the police a few years ago and an investigation was started into his school friend’s father, which remains open.
He feels thankful for the counselling support he has received and is hopeful about his future. ‘I am a survivor, and these days are golden to me,’ he says.