Tonya says that health and education staff and the police ignored signs that she was being sexually abused
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When Tonya ran away, the police told her parents she had said she was frightened of them. This made her feel she could never tell an adult anything again.
Tonya was born in the 1960s. Her mother became pregnant after her family threw her out. With no support from Tonya’s father, she was unable to cope and she put Tonya into care.
When Tonya was four years old, her mother took her out of care. By this time, her mother had married another man, and had had more children – some with him, and one with another man.
Tonya’s stepfather was a heavy drinker and a violent bully. He treated his own children much better than Tonya and her half brother, who had been born to a different father.
Tonya’s stepfather frequently beat her with belts and other implements. She and her half brother were deprived of food, and their stepfather constantly threatened and intimidated them. Tonya was sent to school with shoes and clothes that had holes in them. ‘Of course all the other kids picked on me’ she says.
She developed chilblains which became so severe after being untreated for so long that the doctor didn’t realise what they were at first.
Tonya says her mother knew her husband was physically, psychologically and sexually abusing two of her children, but he was also violent towards her and she did nothing to protect them.
When Tonya was about five years old, an elderly man befriended her at the school bus stop. He bought her sweets and gave her money. Tonya wasn’t used to being treated kindly and she says she latched onto him. One day he exposed himself to her. A woman witnessed this and she called the police. Tonya had to go to court but she can’t remember what the outcome was.
Tonya was so distressed and unhappy at home that she wet the bed every night and would often bang her head repeatedly. She ran away often, but each time the police brought her back, even when she told them she was frightened to go home. ‘They told my parents what I said, and then I got into more trouble. And I thought I can’t tell anyone anything’ Tonya says.
Tonya walked a long way alone to school. When she was 11, she experienced two more episodes of sexual abuse by strangers who accosted her on the way to school. She thinks she was vulnerable to this because no one was kind to her and these men pretended to be.
When she was in her early teens, her stepfather began making her take her clothes off in front of her siblings, supposedly as part of a ‘game’. He orchestrated sexualised behaviour among other members of the family. He sometimes made Tonya sleep in his bed, and wash him when he was in the bath.
Tonya doesn’t remember anyone at school asking if she was all right, despite her neglected appearance. However, she thinks that it’s possible someone made a referral, because a social worker was involved with the family for a while.
She was moved to several different secondary schools and then placed in a residential school. She stopped wetting the bed and she made friends. ‘I was in a safe place’ she says. She describes school as her refuge. But during the school holidays she still had to go home, where the abuse continued.
When she left school, Tonya wanted to go to college, but her parents made her get a job and give them half her wages. She had several relationships with abusive men and was raped. ‘These things happened because I was so naive’ she says. She attempted to take her own life. She was taken to hospital but was not offered any therapy or follow-up care.
Tonya feels let down that no one in authority in the police, schools and hospitals helped her. She thinks that all children should have access to an adult they can trust. ‘I never trusted anyone because I thought they would always tell my parents’ she says. ‘I used to think no one could help me.’
She adds that children in residential schools should not be sent home if they show any distress about going.
Her half brother contacted her, wanting to report their stepfather to the police, but at the time Tonya did not feel able to do this. This led to a rift with him that she is very sad about and she is trying to rebuild their relationship.
She has good friends who support her. ‘My friends are my family. Finally I’m living my life’ she says.