The teacher who sexually abused Vivienne presented his crime as a loving relationship
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Vivienne says that as an ‘emotionally vulnerable child’ she welcomed the special attention one of her teachers gave her.
By the time she was 14, this man was raping Vivienne, but had convinced her they were having a love affair.
Vivienne describes herself as ‘quite happy’ as a child, but her parents separated, her father was emotionally distant and she craved adult attention. A language teacher at her secondary school, Mr Smith, began grooming her when she was 13.
She explains ‘He started emailing me, out of school hours, not about school things. Then he gave me his personal email’. He would hug her at first, then the abuse escalated to kissing and sexual touching.
This happened frequently on school premises but sometimes in his home or hers, when he was supposed to be tutoring her.
Mr Smith also emotionally abused Vivienne, bombarding her with text messages and threatening to kill himself when he thought she was not giving him enough attention.
Vivienne describes what a devastating effect these threats had on her. ‘I felt completely responsible for an adult’s life. I would have anxiety attacks but not be able to tell anyone. He was never not in my head.’
She never felt she could enjoy anything as Mr Smith was always harassing her. ‘I lost my sense of self’ she says. ‘The only way to survive was to go along with it.’
During the time he was abusing her, Mr Smith manipulated Vivienne to believe they were in a loving relationship. She says ‘He presented it as two people who shouldn’t be in love, but are’ and adds that she felt anger and jealousy towards his partner.
When Vivienne was in her late teens, she was shocked to hear news that Mr Smith had been arrested in connection with the abuse of another young girl. She contacted the school to tell them of the abuse she had suffered.
The following year he was convicted and sentenced to prison. Vivienne says ‘The police were lovely’ but adds that during the investigation, long periods passed when she was given no information on its progress. She says that some of the abuser’s colleagues were offered counselling, but she was not. ‘I remember feeling angry about this, because I was still on a waiting list’ she says.
Vivienne struggles with conflicting emotions about the abuse. She feels guilty and angry, and also a sense of grief for what she thought was a love affair, even though she now understands it was abuse. ‘I am glad he is out of my life now, but a massive part of my life disappeared. I couldn’t express that I missed him.’
She remarks that she feels horrified when she looks at girls in their early teens and realises how young they are. ‘It’s really distressing that someone could sexualise them.’
She suffers from depression, anxiety, PTSD and insomnia. She has low self-esteem, and has self-harmed and abused substances.
Vivienne has several suggestions regarding the protection of school pupils.
She says the emphasis needs to be on preventative strategies, such as a ban on any direct communication between teachers and pupils. She would also like to see more pastoral care, and vigilance for any signs of inappropriate relationships between pupils and teachers.
Vivienne comments that several teachers noticed how close she was to Mr Smith, but she was the one who was questioned and scrutinised. ‘They would ask things like “Why do you spend so much time with him? … he’s busy … leave him alone”. All the blame was on my shoulders’ she says.
She believes that education about child sexual abuse is very important but emphasises it must be careful to avoid any trace of victim-blaming. Finally, she would like to see more support for victims and survivors.
Vivienne gave an impact statement and she found this very helpful. ‘It was the only time I got to have any say or input in the whole situation; it made me feel I had some power’ she says.
She feels she is slowly healing from her experiences and says that her friends and family are very supportive.