Walter wants the man who sexually abused him to understand the consequences of what he did
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Walter has a developmental disability and a learning difficulty.
A member of staff at his secondary school took advantage of his differences and sexually abused him.
Walter says ‘Even as a five year old I knew life wasn’t going to be easy’. He describes watching other children when he was very young, and feeling ‘I’m not the same as them’.
In primary school he was targeted by bullies but he stood up to them because, he says, ‘I knew my dad would not be happy if I let it happen’.
Because of the challenges he faced, he was called ‘stupid’. However, he excelled in some academic subjects and also in sports.
In secondary school he was selected to play for one of the sports teams, but one day he was very disappointed to see on the noticeboard that he had been dropped.
A teaching assistant, Mr Evans, came past and asked Walter if he was all right. He made a show of being very kind to Walter, took him to a classroom and told him to sit down.
Walter did, but jumped straight up as he had sat on a sharp object. He later realised Mr Evans must have deliberately put this on the bench. Mr Evans feigned concern, and told Walter to take down his trousers and pants so that he could inspect the injury.
Mr Evans grabbed Walter’s testicles and squeezed them. Walter comments ‘I thought it was strange’. As he left the classroom, Mr Evans gave Walter sweets and told him that he was ‘special’.
Walter continues ‘He said this is our secret … don’t tell anyone. And I’m thinking “Why? What have I done wrong?”’
After this, every week, when Walter went to check the noticeboard to see if he was in the team, Mr Evans would appear, take him away and sexually abuse him.
The abuse began with Mr Evans touching Walter’s genitals, and escalated to the teacher penetrating him with objects, and making Walter touch him. Afterwards he would give Walter packets of sweets.
This continued every week during term time for about two years, when Walter was between 11 and 13 years old. Walter says ‘I began to think, that is me … I am a sexual toy for someone else’.
Walter says he knew that he didn’t like what was going on. He once came close to telling a teacher, who had noticed that he looked down and asked if he was ok, but Walter couldn’t bring himself to talk about it.
When Walter was in his mid teens, he started going out with a girl, but she left him for someone else. ‘I wasn’t good enough’ he says. ‘I was what [Mr Evans] had created.’
After this, Walter says, ‘I began to seek out men; I wanted to abuse another man’. He would wake up feeling disgusted with himself. He began drinking heavily.
Some years later, Walter went to university where he excelled academically. He says he did this to prove to his father that he was not stupid.
About 15 years ago, Walter met a man who had also been sexually abused, and he advised Walter to report the abuse he had suffered to the police. The officer who interviewed Walter said ‘I believe you’, and at the time, Walter says, ‘I felt good’.
But the police couldn’t trace the abuser and Walter found it very hard to accept that the school could not help more. He later heard that other allegations had been made about Mr Evans and another teacher, and the pair had been sacked.
Soon after this, Walter went to see a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with depression and other mental health conditions, but it was several years before he could access therapy. He says he knows that he wants to have relationships with women, not men, but finds it very difficult. He attempted suicide a few times, and has a health condition as a result. He abuses alcohol.
Walter says that what matters most to him is that people learn from accounts like his. He wants professionals to notice things in children that are unusual. He adds that children need someone they can trust to talk to.
He has a sense of feeling different to the person he might have been if he had not been abused. ‘Where’s the real me – where is he?’ he asks.